Light Joy

2012-02-12T10:20:00.000+08:00

So IHG Season 2 has officially ended for me today.

Out of the three sports i joined this year, only Softball clinched the Gold Medal. But the ones that i/we didnt win, were the ones i am most proud of. Especially Floorball - we played like Champions, never giving up, never bowing down to defeat up till the very last whistle was blown. To those that played, you guys put in all your best - and that is truly commendable. (: IHG personally signifies another year has passed. Another season of hard training, and shaping up ( and having toned legs which will be gone in 2 weeks' time! ) and making new friends.

I know it's just mid Feb, but NUS's AY begins in July so technically speaking, Jan doesn't feel "new" anymore. July does. And now, i am midway through another phase, another journey of discovering new plateaus.

I wish i could scrape off certain ugly parts that co-exist in my life. But i can't. I am still learning to adapt, and that's the saddest part. I should learn to cope with it. OR handle it gracefully by now. And that on my part, is my lacking.

Oh well.

Siapa yang makan cili akan terasa pedas.

2012-02-07T17:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i think i see you, that you are perhaps, potentially the one.
Then i realised. There's no 'the one'. No 'one definite person'.
It's a dreamed up reality, of cooked up expectations and imagined ideals that amount to an alternate reality forced into this reality.

Sometimes you wonder why i am the way i am.
I wonder too.
Because love is too genuine, too fragile a thing to be broken.
but it broke once.
And after 7 years,
i am still wondering how to move on from the fear.
Maybe one day, when i conquer the fear of cockroaches,
i will conquer the fear of love too.

21st Birthday Celebration.

2012-02-02T13:53:00.000+08:00

(:

I knew there was a cake. I saw it when i sat on the van and "pretended" not to see it (Jojo's instructions), Haha. Seeing people i care about when i just reached back Penang is a comforting sight. The bros of E4 celebrated my birthday with just the minimal amount of people (thank God, i hate crowds) and a FRUIT CAKE. Haha. My favorite. (: It's been a while since we last chilled, and just talked senseless, insignificant things into the night.

Then, when i was walking back to celebrate with Maryann (after she sneakily lied that the rest of the D3 sisterhood won't be able to make it due to dance!), little did i know that they were actually waiting for me in the lounge room already! Haha. I had my 2nd birthday cake of the night (chocolate fudge this time, awesome decadent stuff!) and then the 2nd feasting of CNY pastries and snacks began. Sarah brought ku lo mee (idk how to spell ))): ) and so many pastries from Sarawak. I was supposed to have 21 shots, but after 15 shots of wine, soju and vodka - i was on the verge of puking. The amount of food we ate at 2am on 1st of February is astounding. But damn, were they delicious. I haven't had that much CNY snacks to eat even when i was in Penang. (: I did puke at the end of the night, after downing another 2 shots with Joy Lai and the VVG. You girls are the best. And i am glad i celebrated my first part of adulthood with you guys. This is something i will always always remember. Hall life and university life.

I celebrated the end of my birthday with Nick and his fellow buttholes. :P Haha. Omg. Ronald's dog is so cuteeee. I have some of the pictures here, but they aren't very clear because he kept moving around. Haha. He's still in the training process, aww. I want a dog like that too! Had awesome dinner and mahjong session which ended at 1-ish, shag much. Then headed back to hall which i snoozed until the next day (now) - missed my tutorial. Hahaha. Screw it, life's too short to be bound by institutions. I refuse!

So yes, i turn 21.

I know this post is abrupt and unlike other posts i tend to post- i am just not very good at re-highlighting events. They seem so cumbersome. But this is my 21st, so even amidst the abruptness of my sentences, i think the day at least deserves a post.

2012-01-29T04:03:00.001+08:00

I know i do not look like it.

But i do the occasional smoking, and not so long ago, i clubbed twice a week regularly. I like piercings, i am okay with any lifestyle any individual chooses to lead (whatever makes them happy, you know?) I have vices that i do not care to share with the public. I do things that some people might frown upon, and certainly those who are very judgmental and narrow-minded would think i have a soul damned for an eternity in hell. But.

I think this is my life. And i have the freedom to lead it according to my own whims and fancies; i think i can let go sometimes, as long as i can catch myself back. Life's too short to be restricted by the fear of dying but the lack thereof is harmful too. The key is moderation. But then again, the word itself is an epitome of subjectivity.

My point here is, what i do do not define my as a person per say. I am able to do a lot of things in the eye of the public because i am flexible that way. Of course, there're certain boundaries i will never cross - like doing drugs or making out in public, or asking a guy to buy me drinks; but things like social smoking, social drinking, silly dares, embarrassing gestures, dancing under the rain, any other social activities that are relatively harmless in the long term (which is subjective - again), i am perfectly alright with them. I am not born to be rigid. I am not born with a set of lifestyle i have to follow. In this sense, i am amorphous - as of now.

Try to know me through the things i do when i am alone. The subtle gestures and decisions i make when in a group of friends. Of those moments consisting of eye contacts and smiles that i make while i thought nobody was watching. Know me by the books i read, my all time favorite songs and movies, the reflections i make which most of you seem to say e-m-o and most of all, know me through the words i don't say, the things i don't share openly. Because those are the true me, not the social me. And if you see those glimpses of me, you are important enough to me for you guys to be able to know my private side. The rest? They are just facets of my flexibility. You didn't even begin to know me yet. (:

2012-01-28T13:28:00.000+08:00

I know how lucky i am, but i refuse to acknowledge that.

I think lives are colorful entities; they are filled with so much emotions, so much experiences and so much beautiful (or ugly) elements in them. People are beautiful creatures even amidst their ugliness, even amidst the reality administered to us in its ugly dull plate of broken scratches and careless handling. I always tend to reflect more when i am in my tiny island rather than in Singapore. I think it's the pacing of life. In Singapore, it's hard to find yourself slowing done - you build up speed, and you keep moving without a care to your left or right. But in this idyllic island of P, all you do is reflect; even when you talk to your high school mates, even when you talk about future plans and past (mis)glories.

You would think 2 weeks of thinking would have gotten me somewhere right?

(:

Perhaps. We will see after the end of my Year 2 in Uni.

May's Taiwan Trip has been confirmed. (:

2012-01-28T04:48:00.000+08:00

Fed up with untrue love.

Surging of emotions.
Heartfelts.
Coming clean.
Strong.
Becoming my own woman.
Solidification of dreams.

2012-01-25T17:36:00.000+08:00

MY best friend says i am conflicted.

Of course i am conflicted. I am a town-girl living (which i sub-consciously typed lEAving before i corrected it) in the city. I am an introvert trying to live the life of an extrovert. I am a book-lover deprived of my books. I am a girl that eats to nourish her soul, but in Singapore, i have found so few to do just that. I am one that digs deep conversations: of dreams and broken hopes, of fears and humility, of growing maturity and a chilling jadedness that seems to envelope each of us in its own distinctive ways. But in the place that i now reside, superficiality and materialism threatens to suffocate us with a sense of false consciousness. Isn't the great island an epitome of Karl Marx's great capitalistic society? With so many of them embalmed in the security of printed papers that transact their temporary gratifications, i fear for my life, i fear for the change and the atheistically conscious but meaningless life that i don't want to, don't need to lead.

Why do you think i have been hiding?

You think i have been having fun?
How wrong you are.
How very wrong.

2012-01-19T18:03:00.000+08:00

Home is that quiet corner in your heart.

I could get used to this quaintness.

Seeking my inner peace, and finding it. (:

But sometimes i wish i could let go more, instead of getting trapped in this circular cycle of wanting to be better, do better - sometimes life shouldn't just be about this, you know?

It should be about smelling the morning dew, watching he sun rise, feel the sand inbetween your toes, watching the waves crash in.

Sometimes life shouldn't be half the things we are doing.

2012-01-11T23:18:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wonder what i have signed up for.

why this mad rush? why this insanity to - pete knows where? when are we ever going to slow down and take a good look around us and realise that this in itself is life, there's no need for speed for the fast lane, for placating detachment that serves to give us nothing but coldness and distance.

Try to remember

2012-01-07T00:30:00.000+08:00

the reasons.

1. Somewhere behind the athlete you've become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is a little girl who fell in love with the game and never looked back... play for her.

2. Champions aren't made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them -- a desire, a dream, a vision.

3. "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."

4. "Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there."

2012-01-03T02:28:00.001+08:00

Of course i would be lying if i tell you i am not lonely.
That i am not alone.

But we go on, do we not?
And we become stronger.
We do not succumb to that loneliness.

And essentially, that is life.

We learn how to live amidst our throes.

2012-01-01T11:21:00.000+08:00

I am sorry but these three words, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

how do they work?
how is the new year happy?
By who's definition?
Yours?
And how is the year exactly new other than the changeover of dates/numbers.
In reality, it's just a transition from one day to another.

so what exactly are we celebrating?
Your epiphany?
That you survived 12 months, and is now having to go through another 12?

-Reflection.

2011-12-30T01:06:00.000+08:00

Demons. We are haunted by them.

You think you are the only one? We all have a dark place inside our heads. A dark place no one will or can go to. A dark place that we allow no one to access, that we sometimes fear, refuse to access or acknowledge. Nobody escapes this dark place. It's a perpetuity in each of us.

So i run.
I have been running for far too long.

I wonder how i have that much energy.
I wonder why i ran. And when i didnt, why i hide myself in certain refuge/vices.

The pace been slowing down lately.
I see more clearly now.
No longer blinded by pain, hurt, anger.

What changed?

2011-12-29T14:30:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i feel like i can rewrite you in a thousand ways.

but then, i don't try.
Because.
What's passed is the past.
I try to erase.
Most of the times, i fail. Like today.

Then i run.
like hell.

2011-12-28T03:04:00.000+08:00

It's a lie when they say life is a rosy tinted-hue of loveliness and brightly painted daisies. That when you fall, someone will always catch you -

Life is not served in a silver platter.
And i should stop running away.
Pathetic.

2011-12-27T03:45:00.000+08:00

Of course it is easy when you say it like that.

Get over it. Move on. Just be tougher, stronger, more hardened. It is easy. What's so hard about all that, no?

Try being a constant creature. Try building an entire future and putting your entire laden faith-filled heart towards that other person and have your entire ideals and dreams built around that tiny love and tiny relationship of yours. Try loving someone so much it hurts, that it didn't matter if he was with you or not - his ultimate happiness was your ultimate goal. You think this stuffs are just made in books, in movies, in series, in day dreams and conversations over coffee? No. They are real. They are the substance in our life, the palpable and concrete emotions that you can touch and feel and smell, they exist in the reality that we have convinced ourselves otherwise. Try giving your entire self to that person, being a 100% comfortable and telling all your secrets and scars and secret emotions; of being accepted wholly for being just you - nothing more, nothing less.

Try being in love, and loving the fact that you are in love. That you are done with the single market. You no longer have to search high and low for that special someone, fearing you might never meet that person who can make you feel all warm and fuzzy, tingly and excited all at the same time. That you no longer have to talk about dreams and ideals, but actually live in them and be happy, be you. Try having all of that taken away from you. To have them break infront of your eyes and have you paralyzed, frozen without any actions to be taken, words to be spoken, just months of separation and seclusion to dull the pain, dull the love, dull the memories, dull -

Try.

To have known how love felt. To have lost it.
To fear the presence of it again
and then(perhaps) the possible absence of it
try
try
try

Because i can't.
i won't.
I can't.
I have not the courage, not the strength, not enough faith, not enough belief, to think or know that i can go through this once again. I can't try. Because i am not made of tougher stuff. Because i am a coward.

2011-12-20T03:22:00.000+08:00

I don't talk about how busy i am. I don't talk about how my schedule demands me to do certain things, perform certain tasks at certain times. Nop, i don't do it at all. Because i have passed that stage of self-absorbedness. I have passed the stage whereby i think i am the center of my tiny lil universe, or that i am so highly prioritized that people get awed by my time line-ups. I have become much more mellow, much more humble than this.

What's the point of letting you know how wealthy i am? How clever, how accomplished, how substantiated, how etc, etc, etc i am? What do all these lead to? To affirm a sense of worthiness and to solidify my self-esteem in this world where everyone tries to shout out to somebody, anybody on what they are good at (even if their definition of good is mediocre at best)? I am sorry i don't do that anymore. I have lived past trying to please strangers and friends. I am my own person, and i might not be 100% comfortable in my own skin, but at least i am at least 80% comfortable with who i am. I do not need to shout out my life to people, paint out my past triumphs and defeats, spread them out like peanut butter and jam just so people would get amaze by the facade that i choose to derail them with. Nop, i don't see the point. Everyone's given 24 hours a day. Everyone. Regardless of how stupid or smart you are, how filthy rich or poor you are. Complaining about how you don't have time, or how you have so much things to do is just bullshit to me. That's not my philosophy. Why be a slave of time when you can be the master of it? Chaining yourself to this servitude is an individual pursuit. Why is it that i have more time than you? Is it because i have lesser things to do? Just because i do not choose to flash my to-do-list in the eyes of the public, doesn't mean i don't have a full life to live. At the age of 20, i am passed the whole whining and assertion of how little time i have. Because what i have now is the luxury of time, and the freedom to do as i wish, when i wish. That's the luxury of maturity.

So, yes. I am enjoying time. I am not rankled by it. You guys shouldn't too. Because if you guys are so frustrated over how tied down by time you are, i guess you are really not living the life the way it's supposed to be lived. And i, yours truly, feel sorry for you.

2011-12-13T04:13:00.001+08:00

The sheet is warm. The clothes strewn on the floor. In my head, we are in a make-shift camp. My room, the haven, the cloths its foundation. In this imagination of mine, we go at it slow and sweet. The world is awaiting. We are in no rush. But in reality, it's different. You dress up faster than a hurricane, and the next minute, you are gone. The remnants of it all is the echo of the bang of the door, the warmth that is seeping through the bed, the night is cold, dark, alone - once more.

I think i stopped believing in love. Scratch that.

It sounds so sad, no?

but if the truth is sad, if my truth is sad then so be it. I have stopped believing in love for a while now. Stopped believing that you can look into the other person's eyes and see a world in it, or have your futures laid out, sharing them with this so-called "other half", this possibility of a completeness that only seeks to gratify your personal self rather than a bigger picture (what bigger picture?). what am i saying here? Truth is, i have been saddened. You have no idea how aware i am of the situations right now. And no, i am not talking bout that secret. Or the other secret. Have you even any ideas how many secrets i keep? To how many people i have to explain myself to if i were to spill any of your secrets out? Everyone has their problems, yes, but i don't whine too much, do i? And even if i make a fuss, so what? I deserve a right to that, no? You speak of it as if it's simple. would tell you nothing. Your attempt at understanding me is pathetic. And presumptuous at best. But that's okay. I am saddened.

Because i realized how wrongly judged you can be by your very close friends. That history does repeat itself (whether good or bad). That people will always form judgments and assumptions whether they call themselves your close friend, best friend (but there's always an exception to this category <3), friend, acquaintance or those who hate you. So, what's the point? Of giving myself so fully when i am not receved the same way? I am tired of this. I am tired of you. Of your apathy and lack of realisation. Of how you are the most judgmental of them all amidst your cat calls. Everyone has flaws, i get that. But you. In your own sun-bathed gloriousness and self-assumed greatness is sad. That's your greatest flaw - the inability to see your own flaws. You don't own a mirror. You own a shiny shield, one you use everyday to deflect everybody else's fault onto themselves - reminding them how sucky they are rather than pointing the fingers at yourself.

Thanks.

But that's okay. Who am i to say anything, right?
Who am i to even begin judging?
Like i have said, i can't change you. So, i will change myself.

2011-12-07T22:42:00.001+08:00

Of course i feel it.
You don't think i know?
You think i am silly?
(:
I feel it.
And i know.

Let's do it all in a day.

2011-12-05T12:59:00.000+08:00

Everybody has their own breaking point.

In today's world, where everyone (and by this i mean EVERYONE) has their own sets of problem and schedules and pile of supposed shits that first-world citizens are supposed to have, i think we are all indeed very fucked up.

We grumble about the inefficient transport system when in fact, the bus is just ten minutes late - some people in some other parts of the world do not even have a public transport system or a stable government to begin with. We grumble about how tough studies are, how we are not getting the As we think we deserve because we have been socialized into thinking we are that intelligent and the world is our playground in which we dictate but concurrently in another spot on planet earth, some kids do not even have food or a shelter to pass through their lives. So, you tell me? What is this mockery of all things insignificant? Everybody wants to be thin, pretty, clever, successful, rich - the list goes on (when is this going to end?), everybody is so immersed in their own lives that they do not see what's around them. You think you are the busiest one? You think you are the saddest, most depressed, most plagued with demons? Oh please, look round, there are bound to be people who are worse off. So pick up yourself, stop that self-centeredness and just live the good life that has been handed to you in a silver platter. Because ultimately, even if you had pain, even if you were hurt and held disappointment in that tiny palm of your hands, we are all lucky. We have all been blessed to be born into families who do not have to worry too much about the lack of food, or the lack of a roof - we are already better off than those who came from homeless, broken families. So why fret about all this shit, why blow them out of proportion? The society is so fucked up sometimes i cannot begin to understand how you all have lived your lives, and what have spurred you all on for a good 20 years. Stacked up high of selfishness, yes? I feel sad that you have all lost your souls before you even found them.

Please grow up.
Life is more than this.

2011-11-28T22:30:00.000+08:00

You know what's best about home?

The stability of it all. The foundation where this house is built. A home. It's not just a house, a physical entity but it's emotional. It's years of love, hurt, anger, happiness, tears, smiles, laughters, noises, silence, warmth and everything else that makes up a family that puts this foundation as it is - a home. I like that growing up is no longer about broken-bones; a jarring effect that seems to unfit everything that was put together so well. I like that growing up now comes with a certain mellowness and acquired taste that i seem not to have just a few light years ago.

Growing up in this home has been an experience. In this island has been an experience. Could it have been different if i was raised in my entirety in Taiwan? Perhaps. But since i am not, and since i did not spend my first 9 years solidly in Penang, half of my ideologies are formed from that island as well, i don't fit in completely at one place but that's fine. I have learnt to adapt. And i have learnt to smile at life and let it smile back at me. I love my parents. And amidst the craziness that they are able to create, they give me a sense of rock-solid stability that cannot be found elsewhere, the sort of life-lessons that i can willingly listen to without cringing and thinking, "yea as if i didn't know that already". Because amidst their imperfections and sometimes out-of-fashion thoughts, i love them completely, fully and willingly. This love is powerful and overwhelming at times; i am not known to do things half-way anyway, especially in the department of emotions. So my dear Singaporean friends, if you listen to me say "i miss them, i miss home" once in a while, please bear with me. I am not being emo or sad or angry, i am just reminiscing over the hours we spent and regretting that those hours can't be multiplied.

(: It's time to leave home again. But each time when i come back, it will be better, greater.

2011-11-26T18:17:00.001+08:00

i am in U-town with the bro. It's the day after the end of exam, i am still reeling from the aftermath of the exam season - post-traumatic stress (LOL) and a cough that seems to find pleasure in driving me towards a realm of voicelessness.

This sem has been. Worthwhile, to say the least. Semester 2 will be starting in about a month's time (what's the break in this?). I was burnt out in my previous sem 2, i am not sure how this second sem 2 would be. We shall see, yes? But module planning is quite the bitch already. I should learn to be more adventurous and not judge a module by its name, but rather by its contents. To all my friends who still have exams to brace, good luck and do your best - you will be released from your obligations soon (:

As for me, i am heading home tomorrow morning. My heat and warmth will be forgone from that tiny room of mine in D315 for 3 days' worth of tender loving care at home with unlimited good food if i wish it to be so. The best friend is awaiting. The parents are awaiting. My bed, is beckoning. The one thing that i miss most from home is the darkness of my room, the towering bookshelves that dominate my thoughts and imagination and the quietness that accompany my undisturbed sleep. I know i sound picky, and spoilt and pampered - but years of sleeping in absolute silence have created a vicious pattern of sleeping that causes me to awaken to the slightest sound in hall. Which, in hall, the sounds produced are not slight at all.

Regardless, i can't wait to spend time with my family and bore them with tales of school and friends that have happened since july. For now, i shall eat my cookie and await the glorious sun rise - i shall be gone when the sun hangs in the sky.

KLSF

2011-11-23T23:54:00.001+08:00

I promise i will get back to work after this. I promise.

Starbucks is emptying. It's funny how most of the people here now are Eusoffians. Are we really that sick of hall that we opt to study outside? But anyway.

I am sitting beside an empty stage, or platform of sort. The empty space reminds me of how i felt a few years back, and how i still feel sometimes when the day get a little gloomy and cloudy. Katy Perry's new song "the one who got away"is very apt indeed. You will always be that one. You could have very well been the one. I wouldn't know. I am not sure i even believe in the one anymore - sure, i believe in the idea of it, but the true existence of "the other half" is negotiable. We mould our perceptions into believing what we want to believe in - so, whether the one is truly out there is not a matter of importance. But you, you were once so damn important. If circumstance had allowed it, you would still be important now. But 7 years is a long time. And the beginning that ended 7 years ago have dull the desire, the urge, the rebellion in us. It has eradicated the idea of togetherness in this cold, harsh world. I no longer crave for you. I no longer want, or love you. But that idealism and that once well-loved spot i had for you in my heart remains an empty spot that is unfulfilled, naked and vulnerable. This is not a post of longing, rather, i am just reminiscing. (When i should be studying! Oh my) So yes, tonight i thought about you and what we had. Did we have the world? Maybe. Did we have completeness? I would say yes. Adults like to impose their ideologies on us. They think kids are incapable of certain emotions and actions; yes, they could be true but to limit a child's ability in anything at all is a shame. Back then, i didn't know what was it that i truly felt. We disregarded it as a phase in our life, puppy love. But at 20 going on 21, i think that was indeed love albeit not being a mature form of love. It is still love in its undifferentiated form, no? Which is what scares me. If a 13 year old me was capable of loving, why shouldn't the 21 year old me be able to do the same? That question remains in the open - i will know the answer when i know.

For now, the stage remains willingly and somewhat, happily empty.

2011-11-23T18:03:00.001+08:00

Hi to readers known and unknown. It's that time of the year again. I am typing my very first post using my new (not so new anymore, me thinks?) Macbook. What do i mean by that time of the year? I am sure you know, it's December. It's Christmas. It's a festive season filled with gifts exchange (which means lots of shopping), warm roasted turkey and mac&cheese with jolly songs that seem to bring sighs of relief that the year, is indeed ending. Congratulations, you have survived another 12 months of (sometimes) drudgery, and (most of the time) fun. What have you learned this year?

I think it's safe to say that i have learnt a lot. Not as much as i wanted to, but enough to change some fundamental view points i used to have. This season of rain has brought about moments of reflection and contemplation that is cool and collected. I am no longer angry or dissatisfied with certain issues that i was so affected by. I think my friend who once commented that i am like a ticking-time bomb would agree. I feel calm. Although there are some issues that i still have to confront, but let's just take a seat and enjoy the remaining days of the year, yes? I am contented as of now. Amidst the turbulence of exams and the irregular sleep hours, i actually kinda like the regularities of it all. There's no single moment in your academic semester that you are this focus and this determined to maximize your results. Of course, some would say such last minute works are due to yours truly's procrastination success prior. But aren't we all first class honor students in procrastinating? Isn't that the epitome of our student life? This is what makes it fun isn't it. This is what makes us irresponsible. Such a two edged sword. Each semester i promise not to procrastinate as much and each semester, i manage to do just that. But it never seems enough - this collation of knowledge. You just study more and more, even when you don't procrastinate. But pardon me, this is not a post about studying or my complains on it (i love gathering knowledge of all forms anyway).

This post is about the ending of a fruitful year. Of a year of separation with my close friends and best friends and family. A year that forced me to look at the world and tell it that yes, i have grown up and i need to own up to it instead of contradicting this state of mine ( i am still struggling to come to terms). This is a year where i learnt humans come in various forms and sizes, that each individual is different and contradictory in their own ways - one should never try to objectify another individual into one's own philosophies and perspectives. This post, is essentially to tell myself that yes, i get it now. I get it all. I have seen past your facade and your constructions - dismantled them all and see the person underneath. You might think that i haven't seen past through you, that in my eyes, you are still the same person, but you would be wrong. (: I have come to terms with many things. And i am glad. They have taken me long enough.

Now, to Christmas and turkey and bacons. To love, friends and family, and gatherings. To a peaceful end of the year and a new beginning that would be more fulfilling and soul-nourishing. This is the time of our lives, anything is possible, if you just believe.

2011-11-11T22:37:00.000+08:00

Take the effort to know me, don't be there just to be there.

That's it. I will be brutally honest here. For this once, i will tell you what i really think - although i will still fabricate them with metaphorically words.

You know what's so hard about being foreigners? I am not contextualizing it in Singapore. To all my Singaporean friends, you guys are great - but do you know what's so fre-aking hard about being a foreigner? It's the not adaptation or the attainment of different cultures. It's the fact that we know time is ticking, that being in two places at one time is virtually impossible -we have to let one go. That another missed chance to go home is another day we don't get to see our family, our friends, our comfort places that have been there as we grow, as we formed our identities in which you have come to know today. That each day, my parents are aging but i cannot be with them physically or emotionally - to talk to them, to banter, to hug, to love. That each day they grow older, they have one less day to live and i, one extra day of drifting further away from them - forming my own identity and life stories that are getting increasingly harder to tell. Because, can they relate? Can they accept that i am growing and are becoming an individual of my own (regardless of how broken i am, or how hard it is)? These are the questions i ask myself everyday. If i can be their pride and joy, or would they droop their heads and wished for more from their only daughter? All i want to do is love them. And watch them smile, laugh, joke. This distance disallow all that possibilities. Skype and phonecalls can only do so much. The temporal smiles plastered on their face reminds me of how fake mine are.

The foreignness of these emotions are now part and parcel of life.
And, don't bother asking if i am okay. I don't need that kinda questions right now.

2011-11-11T04:50:00.001+08:00

Confinement.
Spatial demarcation.
Stuck, stuck, stuck.
Confinements -
one after another.
Blackness, pitch after pitch.
Stop.
Look.

While you are it,
take a look at me,
take a look at death,
and see the t(h)rust you have given to me
- to the lies you took away,
(am i a joke)
i see pass you,
with your flamboyant spits
and scorching smiles,
(don't touch me)
see pass your facade of insincere words,
to
your bought favors
that met my (im)perfections
of ideological naivety -
t(h)anks myself
for your transparent
soul
that chokes me,
take a look at me,
and take a look at death,
look at what you have(n't) done
look at the flowered dreams
you discarded amidst
your
pretentiousness
fakeness
hurtfulness
individuality.
Look.

200

2011-11-11T04:39:00.000+08:00

I find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad.

The year 2011 is coming to an end. What have you achieved so far? (But to be reflecting on this NOW, is a bit too late). I miss my friends. I miss the simplicity of it all.

Looking at the happenings of late, i can't help but wonder how tainted and ugly beings can be. Is that all we have got? These ulterior farce that is patched together to create sunny smiles and sun-kissed suns that scorch and burns rather than warms the heart. If you are going to live your life half-full, half the passion you own, why live it at all? If you are going to care sometimes, and not care the next - be this hot and cold rod that serves to confuse rather than please, your objective of a human being is just that, an individualized individual in a cold, materialistic world whose aim is essentially selfish. I know. We get tired sometimes. We get tired of life, of unmet expectations, broken dreams and unrealized self-worth, but to wake up and decide that this is the best you can give, with no qualms of sensitivity of others, of always prioritizing yourself first, i would tell you to just leave because that is not life, you are mechanizing something that should be beautiful and natural and all-giving. I am disappointed, angry and hurt that the human capacity to care and love has been shrunk to this puny and shriveled seed of a pistachio.

If you are just going to hide, run, and keep running - then how are you going to live the rest of your life?

Don't give me half fuck heartfelt and gestures. I deserve better. And you, need to get a bit of humanity in your heart.

The Good Life Discourse

2011-11-10T22:26:00.000+08:00

What frustrates me is how easy people sometimes ask for help, but when asked to extend their hands, they hesitate and groan. Of course, life is unfair. This phrase is such an understatement it is tiring, but just because these 3 words are a valid reflection of life, doesn't mean we support the unfairness of it right? I don't understand society sometimes. You know we have a problem. A big one in fact, and yet, you continue to endorse this kind of problematic behavior.

I know i sound angry. Perhaps i am.
But it's high time you realize your own flaws rather than point out others' flaws.

This is for you.

2011-11-06T13:46:00.001+08:00

It's 6 in the morning.

And the weather is cold, like my soul. The rain often brings out the innermost thoughts and emotions we keep inside us, either warming us, or making us feel as if we have wronged life somehow, somewhere in time. I know life is not easy for each of us - that everyone has their own hidden past or secrets that they keep. But life's hardness doesn't have to be equated to a full-time misery of suppressed dreams and heightened cynicism and jadedness that only serve to impede.

I know long distance is hard. I have been in one. And i was broken by it - although i liked to believe otherwise. You go into the relationship with all the chemistry and hormones pumping in your system, you believe you have conquered the world and is now going to conquer the universe; dreams and a private reality have been created specifically for this love - the rest fades away. But come long distance - and you begin to realize in how many thousand of ways you can break and unbreak yourself. Long distance was just two words that meant "not being able to see each other" but nobody talked about how hard the deprivation of touch and the senses can get.

My LDR could go on because i believed that our love would surpass the depraved nutritions needed for the love. That, communication becomes the essential lifeline in substituting the date nights, the physicality, the taken-for granted gestures of driving down to each other's houses just because. I believed that by believing in us, we would eventually meet halfway again rather than being in two points as two separate entities. I believed a lot of things. And those beliefs were broken by you, by me, by us and by time and distance that were cruel and impartial.

You start to realize that humans are greedy creatures, that substitutions are not and never will be enough. And even if you substitute conditions and satiate other conditions, the emptiness will gnaw at you and remind you of what you have lost - this resentment builds up and you, a frustrated lover starts to question the worthiness of it all. Because we humans of the 21st century have it too easy. We don't know how to suffer or let sufferance pass us by as we endure and persevere against things that matter for us. Because once our expectations are unmet, ideals are belittled and dreams shrunk to tiny dots of pixelated hurts - we give up.

We choose the easiest hard way out. To let go of someone we have come to love because the addiction of that person was withdrawn from us is common. Too common. This is the poison of LDR. Because when easy is taken out of this lovely world of yours, you begin to question the worthiness of this hardness - you forgot how easy it was to love someone so close. You begin to find all excuses and reasons to see it as hard, difficult, unbearable, taxing and everything that is polarized to love someone you used to love so well. I know it's human nature. I know it's the socialization we are in (and i know i sound like a socio major all the time) and the external forces that push and pull us to think, act, say certain things in certain points of time.

But the thing is.

If love is a rarity for you. If love is a need for you (not a want); and you know that finding the almost perfect guy is like finding diamonds on the floor - and you are sure he is that diamond, keep him, treasure him, love yourself for him. Because two people hurt in a LDR. Two people miss and hate the pining, two people love and wish for the distance to close up - it is never one or alone. This is how LDR works. You begin to live as an individual but feel the emotions felt by two people. There's no easy way out. And once you comes to the term with it, you are able to breathe through the pain and the hurt and the loneliness - the end of the day means that you guys have gone through another day being together emotionally, spiritually; the rest? The rest doesn't matter. Because one day you know, the love will bring you through and you will be seeing him and touching him - and the end reward of this LDR? It's immeasurable. It's worth a lifetime of waits.

To hunt or to be hunted?

2011-11-02T19:17:00.000+08:00

Life presents itself to us in funny ways.

One day you wake up, thinking you have found the love of your life just to have him by your side, as your best buddy, your partner in crime. Or perhaps, you have had a a random and outrageous rendezvous one night, and realize that things have changed permanently, just to have him come back and be a "sort-of" friend you can confide in [ because you are wrong, we are not strangers ]. Or that the girl you have been jogging with every night in the last semester would be one of the closest and funnest girlfriend you have now in a new place. One day, you wake up, realizing how much things have changed, and how adaptable you have become, how humans are so malleable and fluid and amazing in their own flexibility to counter life and live life at the same time.

Then you realize that the guy you might potentially love is not so lovable after all. Your perception changes. Your train of thought, your views and perceptions are challenged - constantly. Because you discover the person you have liked is not really the ideal person you want to be with and you refuse to succumb to second-bests just because time is ticking, or that there's no one else close enough to the best other than him. I still am adamant about the magick in love. I am still stubborn over the fact that when i fall in love, i shall do so with such suddenness and unexpectedness that i will literally fall head over heels with him, and have the same reciprocity. Life is unfair, true. Life might not be beautiful sometimes, true. But that doesn't mean life has to be lived below one's expectations. We should not sink that low. (:

So yes, life presents itself to us in funny way sometimes.

Which, is not a bad thing at all.

2011-11-01T02:49:00.001+08:00

Sometimes i imagine myself in your arms. Hugged tightly, and protected from the world. Loved, and secured from the knowledge that i love and am loved in return. In this perfect world, there are no insecurities or unmet expectations, no disappointments and no half-felt emotions shared between us - only a seemingly telepathic communication line that is filled with colorful balloons and pink carousels that spark my heart.

But this is not a perfect world. And i am not a perfect woman that loves fully, whole-heartedly, willingly. Rather, i sometimes doubt my ability to love. -

I think i need some time off. Because once you see the me underneath all the warm facade, you would be surprised at how cold i am and can get.

This is my Halloween of 2011. How did you spend yours?

2011-11-01T01:33:00.002+08:00

A part of the truth.

2011-11-01T01:30:00.000+08:00

Today, i shall talk about the truth. Or, at least, my side of the truth.

I have been evading this truth for weeks now, or perhaps, months even - i don't really know. But i know i have been turning my head away each time i am confronted, pretending i don't understand, pretending that i don't have an inkling of what's going on.

I don't think i want you to fall for me. One of my closest guy friend said that girls at the age of 20 don't know what we want half the time. I hate to admit it, but i think it's true. We have so much to discover at this age; while love is one of them, it is not top of my priority. I have other things in mind - like discovering my own sexuality, discovering the wonders of finally being a woman, of being independent and resourceful, of being in university and having friends to have fun, and cry with. Of so many things. Sometimes i feel like i am being bombarded with too many things at one go - fun, studies, people, money, places, time, sleep, sports, everything and anything is a possibility and opportunity that was once closed because i have now learnt to be a little less defensive, less angry at the world, less hurt, less sad, less negative and more embracing of people and culture, of changes and differences. Growing up is not so painful anymore although it still reminds me of broken bones. It is amazing how much difference collective actions can make. It is amazing how much, i have changed over the past year and how i am still changing. I am beginning to be more accepting of this change. I feel it in my bones, i feel it in my change of perspective and how i look at things. And i am glad. I am no longer stagnant. (:

So, please, think twice before falling for me. I am not trying to sound conceited or self-absorbed or whatever. I know i am not the prettiest girl around (but i know my own value, and beauty is subjective in itself anyway - what i am saying is that, i have my own perception of self-worth) and that probably most guys will find me wanting, but i am talking about the possibilities and the probabilities of you falling. So if you were thinking about it, or considering, then don't. Because i am now a free bird, and will probably remain so for quite some time. Unless you can fly with me, and follow my whims and wishes, don't even consider the possibility because in this world of mine - there are no time and space for twos to exist - yet.

Halloween

2011-10-29T20:22:00.001+08:00

Halloween of 10 was spent in hall, doing assignments and studying - an equation of no life-ness and misery.

What will Halloween of '11 be? I don't know, but whatever comes, come. I woke up with such elation. I woke up with this hope in me that perhaps life could potentially be more beautiful than it already is now. I don't know. These are the moments in life where you just feel like you can conquer the world if you wanted to. I am feeling like that currently. I am feeling awesome and good. Although there are two assignments demanding attention from me, but i am in the zone where nothing ticks me - yet. And i hope there won't be any tonight. (:

The de-conflicting of emotions are over. I have overcome certain feelings, and decided certain things that had allow me to obliterate the infernal in me few weeks back. True, life is too short to be lived wondering, pondering and speculating. And i refused to be a by-stander or a participant of inactivity - i want to grab life by its horns, i want to rush into it, feel the pain and hurt and the goodness that come from it all. So i decided to throw people who don't matter out, things that don't matter and events that, essentially, do not matter either, out. Listening to coldplay makes me happy. Being in my room makes me happy. Everything makes me happy now. Such simplicity in life have not been felt for a long time. I am glad.

And this, is the good life. My good life.

2011-10-20T02:54:00.000+08:00

I am 20 and ageing. I am 20 and the time is ticking, reminding me that i am not young anymore, but not so old yet anyways. I am 20. And at 20, i am more lost than found, more afraid than brave, more unfocused than clear, more wary than trusting, more cynical than naive, more uncertain than sure, less mature than i would have liked, less worldly, less knowing, less many things than i would have liked. I am 20. And 20 is an age of discovery, of chances and opportunities, of brimming hopes and idealism that aren't fully crushed yet, 20 is an age of rainbows and rain and sunshine.

But at the age of 20, i am beginning to realize how jaded and cynical one can get. And that is how people age, because you see, it is not the numbers that matter when people say "you have grown up", it's the light that dies off in your eyes, the disbelief in your own dreams and hopes and ambitions because social realities brought that down, and you can't stand up against the tides. Because at the age of 20, i really want to tell you that through all my uncertainties and unknowing knowledge, i choose to be the better and more amorphous person because i have learnt the art of adaptation and the art of making other people feel at ease with me. I am not an empty shell even if you think i am, you just didn't bother enough to look deeply for who i truly am inside. And because you didn't and don't bother, the pride in the 20 year old me, refuse to let up and let you in fully into my life. You. Are not that great a person to be deserving of my secrets and hidden doors.

So, at the age of 20, i am not so naive anymore, but i still believe. And i hope i can continue to believe with age. I hope i can find someone to love and someone who loves me back equally as much, as passionately, as fully because the 20 year old me refuse to believe that there's no one out there that fits in with me like two perfect jigsaw puzzles - i refuse. And at the age of 20, i am fighting against the world to feel alive, be alive, and retain my own sense of aliveness. Amidst all these, i am alive. (:

And hence, belief remains a beautiful armor.

My name is.

2011-10-16T13:54:00.000+08:00

In light of recent events, i think it is now safe to say that i have moved on completely from that moment in time and to a newer, less structured, and unpredictable present that welcomes anything, everything life has to offer. After the apology of yesterday (which i know a close friend of mine would say is essentially selfish) that lightened my heart, i am now without any guilt or whatever negative emotions that one would tie to it. I am, light-hearted again. Something, i have not felt for quite a while. Now, if only i can get rid of my procrastinating mood and start on my 4 essays which are due next week...........

I think whatever we do in life has implications - whether we like it or not, whether we are aware of it or not. You made me aware of that. I guess my sub-conscious has always been aware of that but i have never truly brought that thought to the surface - now i have. Isn't that why i said some things, did some things and chose certain course of (substantial) actions? Because the calculated implications were there in me, the (un)willingness for me to partake in certain paths have lead me here today with such controlled consciousness. Hence, whatever we do or say in life have direct consequences and sometimes it impacts people around us as well. To absolved yourself from all that is essentially not taking any responsibilities and being an island. But then again, some people are like that so, what is life (ahahah D3 inside joke).

I am a free bird. A free soul. A free person. You won't believe how happy i am being like this. Some people think i like them just because i am being myself - i can't be bothered anymore. Your conceited thoughts have nothing to do with me; i am living my life being good to others and being better to myself because life is too short to be thinking,caring, minding too much. So i hope you can please, stop being so self-absorbed when you don't even know me. (:

I miss Taiwan. Oh well, next June. You shall be very much loved. <3

2011-10-14T13:46:00.000+08:00

Guys, if you are going to be assholes, bring your shit somewhere else.

There are some guys who are decent, and there are those who are not. They are like bad apples - sore to the eye but ironically, they think they are darn good (in their own standards of course, which is practically non-existent). You wonder why girls are insecure, why girls are paranoid, over-worrying creatures. You act baffled. Confused. Lost. And then, you get frustrated over our inability to deal with our emotions and you don't get why we keep thinking we are fat, or ugly or inadequate in the most literal sense. But, are you really lost?

Because half the time, girls' worries are stemmed from your insensitivity and preoccupation over the physical traits. How a girl should look or dress, how she should smile, how she should not be too fat or thin (oh really, because girls are born just to please you right?) or how the toned legs turn you on and etc, etc, etc. Same old, same old. You objectify girls. All the time. With your words, with your attention, with your actions. You talk amongst yourselves, on how this girl is ugly or how that girl is pretty and sexually appealing - as if we girls want to be the way we are. As if some of us want to be born attractive while the rest want to be born ugly (who's that stupid, please).

Perhaps you should look into the mirror and realize that you are not that good-looking yourself. Most of you Asian boys are too petite and lean (small) and i presume that your dicks aren't that big anyway - that inadequacy is replaced by your high level of pride and ego which come off as obnoxious and a major turn-off. You are warped in your world of self-glorified stories, thinking that girls are weak, without back bones and would fall on your feet (kissing them) and somehow hand you their soul and heart. How wrong, how presumptuous, and how silly.

Just because we girls find your looks too insignificant to be mentioned, doesn't mean we don't notice. Just because we don't say it out loud - on how flabby your arms are, or how flat your butt is, or how skinny your legs are (reminds us of chicken legs, don't you think?) or, or, even, how small your appendage look doesn't mean we don't notice. Because we do. Just because we choose to not shove it up your face every 5 minutes life pass us by (like how you males do) doesn't mean you are attractive enough or found not lacking. Because, trust us, you are found wanting. Definitely. We just don't find you important enough to tell you that you don't reach the mark of "being attractive enough".

So yes.

You want to talk about gender equality? You want to talk about how the physical appearance is so important? There you go. It works both ways. You, constantly telling people how ugly this gal looks like or how fat she is - should just realise those girls? They might not even like you in the first place. They might even think you are ugly. But just because they have more to life than just talking about how other people look like (basically, they have more substance than you, bimbo) doesn't give you the right to play God. Last i check, you are a nobody. You just think you are a somebody because you hit your head too hard, too many times. You have no right to be judging because you yourself aren't "up there".

You are just a piece of shit yourself. To think otherwise, is clearly to be extremely delusional. Your sense of reality is messed up. Grow some brains.

2011-10-14T13:17:00.000+08:00

In light of recent events,

I have discovered a few new things.

1. I hate being nannied, especially in the emotional sense
2. Good friends are there. If you know where to look.
3. That i can be 100% detached in the emotional sense in some things
4. Girlfriends > boyfriends
5. Life = <3

2011-10-13T14:53:00.000+08:00

I feel like i don't know how to talk to you anymore. Sometimes, i feel like i don't even know you - and the worse thing of all is, i don't know how to tell you all these without leaving, or being left behind.

I feel like all we have had is just a lie. A misconstrued friendship of twisted turns and unbent lies. Don't ask me why i feel like this. The amount of unfairness i feel right now is off-set. Friendships are supposed to be equal. Friendships are supposed to be about fun and craziness and truths and shared stories. It is not supposed to be about carefully constructed words and actions hidden behind a chess-game with multiple steps thought ahead. I feel like a pawn. I feel weak. And it's no thanks to you. I don't know what's better.

That my almost complete (we do keep things that we never say to anyone, ever, no?) honesty with you was reciprocated with your assumptions and ______________

2011-10-09T13:31:00.001+08:00

So, apparently i called a close friend of mine in my half-sober state yesterday and ranted about what was bothering me. I guess i need to get out of this bubble of mine. But it doesn't feel like a bubble anymore, more like spidery webs that have latched themselves onto me, permanently and if i cut loose, there will only be blood and pain. I wonder how and where do i keep my suppressed anger and hurt all the time. Some, i have come to terms with. Others, they lie in the creases of my mind - waiting to attack when i am vulnerable. Am i very self-centered then? In the sense that, i always think about what you did to me and what you didn't do. But it's not conscious. I don't even blame you anymore. I accepted the fact that you left me. You came back, in the end. That's all that matters right? That's all that's should matter. But telling a lost 13 year old girl all things you said, no matter how hard i try to forget them - forget it.

You make me very happy. <3

Not forgetting the rest! You know who you are (:

Love.

2011-10-08T15:35:00.000+08:00

The slightly older peers of yours would tell you that at the age of 20, you don't know what you want yet and that most of you want to just have fun right now. Perhaps they are right. I mean, they have been 20 before - looking back now, they must have seen how they were like; young and juvenile, reckless, idealistic and over-confident at some point of time - just like how we are now.

So, at the age of 20, you do a lot of shit. You drink too much most of the times, you collapse into moments of blankness and blackness (literally), you are pressured by all your different social circles to do different things, be different things at the same time that sometimes you feel like you are standing in the corner of a room, lost and helpless and then you are asked to grow up. I guess it's true, you lose yourself sometimes and amidst the struggle to find yourself back, you find yourself doing things you normally wouldn't do, or are taught not to do. Ever feel how it's like keeping a big secret that you can't tell anyone to? I kept mine for 9 months. It nearly did break me back then. Now, all those things that i thought was so significant and important are nothing but the pasts - collapsible and amorphous - dreams of nothingness and faded failures of unrealized expectations. But why should they matter, right?

We should be having the times of our lives right now.

This is it. The most perfect timing ever, because we have not fully stepped into society's cruel front, we are in this bubble with such translated ideals that seem to hold much meaning now so yes, now, is the time we should be enjoying it all. It is in our uni lives that stories are made and passed down to our grandchildren, i believe. But that doesn't mean the fun doesn't come with a little bit of heartache, pain, hurt - life is a growing process after all. And to be frank, it's scary how much i have grown and change in the past one year. Sometimes when i reflect, i wondered how and why i was so uncertain and unsure about everything; but the present is plagued with different worries and newly made groups. It's refreshing i suppose. How we make our own life stories. (:

Objectivity and Subjectivity

2011-10-01T15:48:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, i think i am ready to step out. Sometimes, i step back in.

In NUS, most people have a certain set of preconditioned opinions on certain major. The "Hard" majors are supposed to be History, Political Science, Psychology and Economics (i might have missed out some) - due to their contents and competitiveness. The "Easy" majors are essentially Sociology, Georgraphy, NM and God knows what else. Why this stereotype? Well, actually screw that. I am okay with stereotypes. We live in a world of them - everyday, every minute of our lives are filled with preconceived notions of stereotypes. But, when people start bashing other specialization up, it comes a bit as disconcerting and narrow-minded. What right do you have in saying Psych is harder than Geog? It's like saying, i am a female, hence my life is harder than you who are a male.

I hate it when judgments/comments are made without substance, and worse, substance without self-reflection. Just because you think something is easy, doesn't mean the actuality of it is really easy. That's your reality. Not the common world's reality. Social sciences teach us that things can only be objective to a certain point, the rest is subjectivity - period. So, why do people objectify what is hard or easy all the time?

I don't take offense when people say how easy it is to study Sociology. In a way, i find it easier than History because i really do "catch no ball" in history. Up till now, History, to me, is a form of story telling. My eyes light up when i read about the past but i can't do shit in analyzing and deciphering the implications of history. But in Sociology, that's a whole new world for me. You have no idea how much we sociologists-wanna-be think and hypothesize about how the world could be different if X,Y,Z is so and so-forth. So yes, each major do have their own challenges.

It is very juvenile of a person, and shallow to be making insubstantial judgments just based on your own prejudice and POV - which, by the way, is unlikely to be accurate most of the time.

2011-09-30T16:39:00.000+08:00

"All i do sometimes is drink, drink, work, drink, work, socialize, drink again, work, drink."

So, i like interesting conversations. But that doesn't make me a good conversationalist, that i know. I wonder. Sometimes, i wonder how you are now. I have never been good at discarding memories or past experiences; they are hidden in the fissures and creaks of my mind - sometimes they slip out. I am reminded again. But i do wonder how you are sometimes, if you are well or how much you have changed over the past one year. It is not easy getting your ideals broken. Life shows you that this-is-not-happening-that's-it, no compromise, no leeway given. So i guess, we adapt and try to live a full life in accordance to the circumstances given to us.

So, i guess,

If you are strong enough to live without me, why can't i?

Ahha. Now, that is random.

Because i miss my two homes. And i can't wait for next summer where i will be able to escape both Singapore and Malaysia and just appear off the grid for one entire month. (: Now, that's a lovely thought to follow me round for the remaining AY.

2011-09-24T19:41:00.000+08:00

MY recess week was spent not studying, but with sessions of mahjong and night outs and movie outings.

I know, i know. I have been slacking but, i am happy.

I am in a very light mood now. Sure, there're some demons that i will eventually have to battle with, but as of now, i am happy in my own private bubble and it is times like this that i feel as if i can conquer the world (i know that's not really the case, tsk) and fall in love with anything, everything. It is times like this that the past doesn't matter anymore, and the future worries me not. The present exists only a certain surety, a certain hopeful realism that i could grasp if i wanted to and that certain optimism that sometimes left too early in our lives.

Because today, i understood that love is love is love.

And if, i ask for more, or for less - that love would be impure and selfish.

Because life is such.

2011-09-23T05:26:00.000+08:00

So the big question is, why are we shaped the way we are?

Maybe i should stop talking about things that are too big, that encompass to much and instead, focus more on the individual level - on myself, on who i want to be and who i currently am.

Sometimes, i stare at my three walls and window panes till i can't stare anymore because the lack of purpose here drives me to the brink of madness. Well, madness is stretching it a bit too far but perhaps my lack of purpose, of direction here is detrimental to my entire well-being. A friend said that most of the time, we students do not know what we are doing or why we are doing it. Of course, that's true. But the thing is, even after much dissection, and figuring out why you are actually doing something, sometimes it doesn't matter. Because you realize you are stuck in this rut anyways. It is hard to be a non-conformist - it is hard to turn the other way when everyone is looking at the same direction. You might think you're somewhat special, that you will and can be that person who turns away - but right down to the marrow, you are essentially the same as me, as everyone else who has a life to lead, a role to play, a social circle he or she is in.

So perhaps that's why i flinch when people used to use the word lesbian in front of me. You have no idea how cold and lonely one choice could cause. That how being a deviance in a society that is close-minded and lacking in understanding feels. There're so many layers of stories, of histories unsaid that i would like forget but it is the past that mold us into the beings we are today. I think sometimes.

Words are spoken too much by some, and too little by others. And more often than not, the ones that really matter are left forgotten in the creases of life.

That perhaps, I am in need of my ___

2011-09-16T16:18:00.002+08:00

Somehow, when i look at this picture, i feel as if we are really happy. Like, really really happy. As if we don't have a care in the world - unlike now. Everything back then is unlike now.

2011-09-12T01:58:00.000+08:00

So i was thinking, everyone has their quirks and idiosyncrasy.

What's yours? I would like to know. This thought came to my mind today - on how sometimes, human's thoughts can be so primal and instinctive - so quickly formed (but how quickly they dissipate too) and concreted in the mind. I suppose this is a complication that we all have to deal with time to time. But i just wonder why, and how sometimes unexpected things happen. I feel like it's been a while good things have happened. But to think of it, good things happen to me frequently - perhaps i am restless due to another reason that i do not wish to disclose here. It's tiring to keep talking about issues that seem to mean everything but in reality, it means nothing.

I found this; written last October. (:

2011-09-10T22:35:00.001+08:00

I think sometimes, we live our lives with lies. Little white lies that add up to big patches of black and gray lies – lies that are unretractable and painful to the heart, lies that, eventually make or break lives.

I think I have been lying quite a bit recently.

About what I really think about you, about how I really feel, about how I really want things to be. But you know what they say, with age come mellowness and with age, come an unwanted maturity that does not allow for that inner child to spring up as easily as the teen years. So I, in my mellowness, allow myself to bask in these emotions of self-destructive tenderness and clumsy whish wash of fondness that is only reserved for, you. Yet, I remain calm, remain collected amidst this turbulence. Remain controlled.

You have no idea.

So, I live in this lie where I plaster smiles on my bright face and show you the bright side of me – never the dark because losing you is worse than losing myself ( I am selfish like that). Because perhaps, sometimes, life is more than just about our emotions and our satisfaction, that sometimes, maybe, just maybe, pleasing the other person becomes more important than pleasing the self.

2011-09-10T15:16:00.001+08:00

Today is such a lazy, slow day. I love weekends.

I love how my life is like now. Year 2 does make a difference. I no longer feel so afraid, unknowing and alone. I have sets of friends that i know i can depend on here, and also the old ones back home (though technically, they are abroad too) and i have the freedom to be who i want, and do i want - discover life, live them, and love them.

For my friends who have been out of touch lately, here's an update on what's going on in my life. I know i sound emotional/upset/negative in my previous posts, but i guess i needed those catharsis, a space to just let out my pent up feelings. It's a bit hard to just vomit out all these to a friend (and i wouldn't want to do that either) so, i chose to have my outlet here. But generally i am fine. I am happy. I might be busier this sem round, but it's the kind of busy that put things into perspectives, that kinda gives you some sort of direction and a clearer picture of how your definitions of a good life are beginning to form. Taking 6 modules (all sociology based, which means my 5 cores and SS) and juggling between the committees and training in hall, my social life and giving tuition, i sometimes barely have time to eat (i will always make time for sleep, because i realize without sleep, i cannot even function - so why bother depriving myself right) or breathe (well, not literally. Or, i would be dead by now. Ahha). So that's what i have been up to. Studying and trying to have an exciting life so that my grand kids would be thoroughly entertained with them when i am old. (:

Much Much love.

2011-09-07T20:50:00.001+08:00

I can see the years on your face, in between the lines when you smile and laugh, see the etched memories in your eyes when you grin and your white teeth show. I see decades of joy, sadness, disappointment, glories, faded dreams, newly varnished hopes, self-made dreams and achievements, hurt and loneliness, fear and solace - so many emotions that seem to skim through such tiny short span of years. Sometimes when i look at you, i see myself - imprinted, innate, made to be exactly like you, exactly as hot-headed, argumentative, cheerful yet with bouts of mood swings. Other times, i see the strength that amazes and scares me at the same time - of things you have to leave behind for us, things that you have to give up in order for love and life, things that some women will never have the strength to put through with. When i see you, i see all the love behind all the pained memories, i see the sacrifices you have to make amidst our in-capabilities, unwillingness to truly see you as you, to understand you, to be with you. I see how strong your faith must have been in him, in the choice you have made and the decisions you had to carve in order to be where you are today. Sometimes, i don't understand all of it, not even half of them - but i see how hard the years must have been on your; how afraid and lonely and fearless and joyous at the same times, how you have not once looked back or complain about an alternative past.

Sometimes, sometimes.

I see the years on your face. And i want to write chapters and chapters of love stories in your smiles, because i am afraid one day you might stop smiling, laughing, feeling before i could manage to pen in my dreams on yours - let them overlap and sync together as one. Because i am not done loving you, perhaps, i will never be done loving you - and that scares me the most. Because losing you both are and will be one of the hardest thing i have to go through in this lifetime.

Because, mum, and dad - you mean the entire world to me. And i mean, entire.

2011-09-07T01:22:00.000+08:00

I have no idea who i am anymore. I wonder what happened to us. What happened to the us in tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

Often times, when people talk to me about love, or issues pertaining love, i like to ask this question; is she/he the one? Do you know? I am ever curious about the notions of true love, of 'the one', of idealistic polaroid moments that last a lifetime- which non-believers love to say scathing things about. But thing is, i believe. I believe in such a thing called, forever and happily-ever-after (of course, i am not so simple to think it really is just these 3 words. the fights and tears and negativity are hidden in between the creases, but ultimately we will always come back to happiness) and love that endure all times and seasons. Haven't we seen enough stories that talked bout love of all sorts, from so many countries, in so many different centuries and context, haven't we been socialized with prince charmings (not saying i believe them, i have always like the brooding sort better) and lost glass slippers enough to believe that in this 21st century of cluttered materialism and dizzying priorities, amidst terrifying changes of generations in short bursts of time that we, as human beings are still very much capable of unconditional love for that one person in our one lifetime?

Or perhaps society, and time, and geography has changed and twisted our minds to such varying degrees that the word "i" has taken up all of our capacity to fully love? It's beguiling how such a short, simple word can stir up such endless discussion, opinions, takes on it. at least, in MY discussions and what nots.

So perhaps, this is to love.
To my silent belief that out there somewhere, i will know when i see the one. And not wonder if he is, or is not.

2011-09-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

The million dollar question would always, always be :

So how much have you lived so far?

For me, that is.

2011-08-31T20:08:00.000+08:00

I was texting a friend today, and we were talking about the inconsistency of human relations ; that perhaps hall friends aren't really friends after all, we are just strangers living together. This topic, is one that depresses many i believe, and denied by many. Because the truth paints another picture, another reality from the one we live in now.

But.

It's not about hall life now. It's about my Singapore life. It's about being globalized, being cosmopolitan, whatever word you like to use. I miss home. Of course, it hits us one time or another - we eventually miss home when we are too far away from it, when we have been too long away. But how do you explain this feeling of growing independence, growing individuality? I sometimes miss the days where we were clad in the same sea blue pinafores that we hate but are confined to. To the pinned up hair and the blackened white shoes, the name tag and school badge that we pinned onto our school uniforms - the constancy of such life, the similarities of it all brings a kind of quiet peace, of a breathing space that seems gone from the days of today.

Today. Seems like a race with time - today has been spelled with the letters d,i,f,f,i,c,u,l,t but does it matter really?

Today, everyday in fact, i want to just get away from hall, from school, from prying eyes that interest me not - i want to be alone, i want to feel like i am alone, i want to miss my best friends - i want. /

2011-08-26T00:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i am sorry over what happened. That perhaps, we never had a proper conversation and that the only conversations we had were laced with prejudice and misunderstanding, a mismanaged anger and embarrassment that seem to glide over the superficiality of the incident. Of course, all the emotions mentioned are on my part. I didn't know how you feel, will never know.

Sometimes when i see you, i want to say sorry.

But i think, what purpose does it serve other than to make me feel happier, less guilty for that moment? After that, everything slides back in place. We will be strangers with that one incident that tied us. And people will talk. And continue talking. For me to think that we have left the high school era of bitching and gossiping was and is idealistic of me. Have i put too much of my naivety in humans and more importantly, on age? I have always presumed that with each candles blown, we will grow more wisdom and more sense. But apparently not. I am still learning how imperfect i am as a human and that everyday (well, not everyday exactly) is a struggle and is a change of ideals and perspectives.

So yea.

People have often commented on how i use this blogging space of mine to talk about others (be it in bad or good ways) but then i think, if i don't write it here, where do i write it? In the sleeves of my heart with underlying grudges and gratefulness? And i thought, this blog serves not as a platform for me to bitch (which i disagree, because i write what i write, and i am not afraid if anyone reads it - because reading it is your choice, not mine) but as an update to my friends and i - we are separated by distance and time. Sometimes, it just seems such a waste that we are all in different parts of the world, growing up and experiencing life with such vibrancy but, ah, this is a case of phantom limbs, is it not? But i am getting the hang of it.

I look at life sometimes and wonder how they are doing, if they are well and happy, if they are living their dreams and aspirations (those late night talks that we used to share when we were so young and innocent) and i wonder if life has been fair to them. I miss them, all the time, half the time, sometimes - i miss them all.

But then. Life comes at you in unexpected ways.

Like you.
So i am sorry.
But being sorry is not enough sometimes.

2011-08-21T03:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wonder.

If we were in an alternate universe, where I was less strong-headed/stubborn/anal-retentive (whatever you like to call it), and if i was less of a liberal, freedom-loving, bucket-list achiever, would we have ended up together? If i did not hate your overbearing ways of being such a man, of being such a guy with his ideologies and principles and what-nots, perhaps we could have tumbled in fields of green lilies and lavenders?

I wonder.

If i learn to give in. Or if i was brought up to be soft and demure, perhaps we would have been different. But all this is essentially moot, and the saddest part is, all the Ifs and Perhaps and Maybes are life's unwritten stories for us - i will never know. You will never know. We will never know.

Perhaps things are the way they are for a reason.

Because you will never know that in my heart, i have a soft spot for you.

2011-08-17T19:04:00.000+08:00

So week 2 of Semester 3. Also known as Year 2, semester 1.

How time flies.

A month ago marks the one year mark i have been staying in Singapore. I still remember distinctly how when i first arrived in Singapore with my Daddy, i was afraid (but unwilling to show fear) and skeptical about this new life my parents and i have chosen after much discussion and arguments. Looking back now, i saw a lot of fear in my old self. The uncertainties of taking the trains and buses (how the hell do i get around from A to B) how the systems in Singapore truly works, which places to go for different purposes, how to have fun, things that you, my Singaporean friends might have taken for granted because well, this has been your home and everything is ever familiar. I learned from scratch the Singlish that dominates the daily conversations here, the political jokes that seem to permeate every lecture when lecturers speak of the Lee family, and how certain norms and deviance are well, not so normal, or not so deviant after all. Coming to a new country (albeit being just one strait away if you are from Johor) is never easy. Adapting takes time. Adapting takes some of your soul and mental out too sometimes. The fear of being friendless, without family, without a support system that reminds you of your roots, of who you are and where you come from sometimes makes you feel like you are just a shadow in the greater scheme of things. That you might just lose your self-identity the very next day and nobody will be there to tell you to come back to who you truly are is frightening and often demoralizing. But that was. Now, i am more familiar with this country and its quirky ways of living.

Now, things are slightly more different.

2011-08-13T12:29:00.000+08:00

I can't begin to tell you how tired i feel. How lost, how angry.

It's like a tangled thread of ball that is now beginning to unravel - just that, it can't. Not anymore. I hate how hard it is for me to see my own flaws, that i have to constantly ask my close friends what they are just so i can change for the better. I hate how everything is viewed through my own pair of eyes, and how difficult it is to see situations from others, or to see how they view me as a person, as an individual - these things are hard things. Things that make me feel as if i have somewhat failed, that i have not done my parents' efforts in bringing me up to justice - that perhaps, i should be be better rather than being this person that i currently am.

So, i am angry at myself.

And i know that if i can't change things around me, i should change how i look at them or just start the change (whatever that may be) within myself.

2011-08-12T01:36:00.002+08:00

5th crazy thing done for the year.

(: And i am suffering for it now. Oh well. Today marks the first day of school, but tomorrow marks the first day of my lessons. RAG is finally over! The float, i dare (and must) say is beautiful. These 3 months has been quite a journey.

Has anyone noticed how epic Transformers soundtrack is? I am obsessed with them now. I have this itch in me that is dying to blog about human-relationships but perhaps this post will offend quite a number of people. But then again, they were the offensive ones first, so what the heck?

So.

I tell people i pierce my tongue because i am bored. But the truth is, none (well ok, maybe 3, but i closed them up) of my piercings are done because i am bored - i have reasons for them usually. My first pair was for my 7As in PMR, my belly piercing signified liberation and freedom from the parents, my third earhole is for the breakup, and the most current and painful one is to remind me to watch what i say to others & also to mark the end of my first year in Singapore. If these reasons seem shallow to you, go fuck yourself - i clearly care so much for your opinion.

But the irony of my tongue piercing is that, most people i know seem to talk without thinking - be it public or private social setting. They just keep talking, and keep voicing out their opinions without a damn in the world, to the people around them - people who can be called friends (old, close, new, does it matter, really?) Things that should have been kept behind their teeth, under their tongues rather than spat out with no decencies thought, screw all consequences and impacts caused. That's really sad. I feel sad for you people who imposed your opinions on others and expect the rest of the world to concur. Isn't it enough that your opinions are heard? Must you regulate your living principles and ideals onto others who are as much a special and unique individual with principles and ideals of their own as well?

Just because some people are more assertive than the rest, does not mean you can bully them into your fucking ideals and nonsensical stands that seem so puny and whiny in relation to the size of the world and the imprints made. So please, have some regards for other people. Look into the mirror before saying certain things. I am not perfect, and i am constantly trying to improve myself but with you, so righteously going around, tramping others with thoughts that i cannot begin to comprehend (fuck, i don't even want to) is just so ungentlemanly and unneeded in this world, or in my life.

Perhaps today's incidents (yes there's a few) made me realize that some people are undeserving of me, and that some people, are just not meant to be in my life. Hence, these people, should be discarded and forgotten for the better good.

2011-08-08T16:48:00.000+08:00

It's August. I have only done 4 crazy things out of 10 that i said i would do.
Soon, there will be a 5th.

(:
Time is running out.
5 more to go.
3 more months remaining.
I will save two last ones for Xmas Eve and New Year's Eve then?
(;

Ticking time bomb.

2011-08-05T12:50:00.000+08:00

Anger is painted red. My entire world is in red now.

So a little air came out today, like a fart that you make when your tummy is upset - and you feel just a tiny bit better after that, some sort of relief finally. I know i am angry at a lot of things these past few months. I get increasingly frustrated and mood swing-y over certain issues and topics. But what do people know, and why do you care anyway? At this point of our lives, people are usually more absorbed with the dramas of their own lives rather than others. But the point is, not, whether you care not. It's why i still care.

I wonder all the time. The tranquility is no longer there, not in the center of my heart like how it has been once before. And i need to get this sorted before it eats me up alive. Before it turns me to someone ugly and vulnerable.

Perhaps, sometimes, i just need to be left alone.

2011-07-24T15:54:00.001+08:00

I have recently come to realize that love, or like, or emotions (because it always comes down to that word - emotions) come in many forms. That some love ties you up, suffocate and blind you out of your inherited freedom while others give you up, to that space where you grow and learn to love even more. I guess with age comes mellowness, not so many actions taken are based on whims and sudden impulses anymore. One tends to think it through a little more, a little longer, a littler deeper, a little more cautious. Which, i might add, has its cons but i guess no matter where we are, or what we do and how we think - there're always the good and bad sides. So.

I don't think i can ever bind you to me. Or to be more politic, i don't think i can ever start to want to bind you to me even if i desire you in that way. Because we come from two different worlds. Because you have yet to see enough (which i know is generic enough, but i am not obliged to reveal too much in this public space) of the world of love, and for me to begin to do or say anything, i am robbing you away from those adventures you are already starting to seek and desire. But of course, i know my refusal comes in parts - i am not ready, and i have too much to change about myself before i am able to share my life with another person again. This all sounds presumptuous; as if you have identical feelings when that's far for it (me thinks) but what i am trying to say here is that, for the first time in a very long time, i understand how it feels like to let someone go in spite of emotions that have been cooked up and spewed out of the mind. And, this, in its simplicity is liberating and a simple kind of joy.

(:

2011-07-21T16:21:00.000+08:00

Back from Langkawi.

So, i am afraid of a lot of things.

I am afraid of sleeping in the cold, afraid of unpleasant dreams that haunt my blankets. I am afraid of cockroaches. Of snakes that bite. Of heartbreaks that linger and never heal. Of my parents' eventual death. I am even afraid of clams, afraid of the uncertainty of tomorrow, of the impermanence that our lives bring - of our immortality, of the shortcomings we humans own, of broken dreams and hated words thrown across the room - of ties that were broken, relationships given up, moments that passed and never taken back. I am afraid of a lot of things.

I am most afraid of admitting that i am afraid. I like to put up a strong front you see. That i don't need anyone or anything, that i am my own person (well most of the time, that's true) with my own secrets and dwellings that i'm not obliged to share. But sometimes i feel like i am about to burst, that those secrets are no longer mine for the keeping but each time i tell myself that it's okay, i have been doing this for so long, what's the harm of keeping them for another moment, another hour, another day, another week?

so. i remain afraid.

But at least, i too, remain unrelenting and quiet.

2011-07-13T19:41:00.001+08:00

I can be your pillow to sleep on.
I can be the tissue for your tears.
I can be that perfect shirt for that perfect party of yours.
I can be that happy food you need.
I can be the emo song that help you deal with your emotions.
I can be anything, everything you want and need me to be.

But i can't be yours.
I can't be anyone's.
Because you should know before it's too late.

2011-07-07T11:27:00.000+08:00

On another note, Skype session with the bestie yesterday - I have missed you so. (: But our LDR seems to be working fine, right? Ahha. The only sad part of our relationship is that i wish i could be there for you more often, and to do more crazy things with you. I miss Bambi too. 8 years have passed just like that. 8 years of an initially tumultuous friendship which eventually found its bearing. Hopefully next year, i will get to see you more.

Home in a week's time.

Back to my lovely, lovely parents who i know are missing me now. I miss them dearly, everyday - and what frustrates me is the mortality of us all, how God is capable of taking them away from me just like that and i would be helpless to do anything. Most of all, I get angry on how time is running out and that the distance that separates us only impedes us even further. Sigh, oh well.

Home in a week's time. Can't wait.
Family vacation <3

2011-07-07T11:15:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i get really tired with they way people communicate with each other. More so, on the way Singaporeans talk to each other. Those subtle (perhaps unintentional) insinuations that are thrown lightly across the room, slight insults that seem to weave themselves between words, sentences - are languages created to serve this purpose of such rudeness and impoliteness? In a country where people pride themselves on being first-world, why is it that their manners are worse than the third-world countries? I wonder a lot about this. On how a human being can just put another person down with that play of words - just like that, a snap. Is it fun? Self-satisfying, maybe? What purpose does it serve, other than this momentary joy (due to your achievement in word-play) that you feel in expense of another person's emotions?

These are the questions i ask myself each time i see these "playful banters" that are not purposeful because it is not even a form of constructive criticism anymore - it is uneducated, crude, and uncouth. It makes their entire education seem penniless, useless. And people who read this might think, "i was just joking", "it was just for fun" but are jokes and fun meant to always target another person? Why can't you make fun of yourself, on how stupid you are, rather than how dumb your parents are? (And yes, this is an example of what my friends said the other night - how dumb their parents are. Their theory is that, if their parents are dumb, the child will usually come out smart. So if your parents are ugly, you are probably beautiful). It is a joke, but i would think that my parents did not raise me up just so for me to call them dumb behind their back. Without them, who am i, to be in NUS, in Eusoff Hall, in Singapore? Where am i to get the money needed in this dog-eat dog world? So, i chose silence that night - but they thought i didn't understand what they were saying. How silly, how presumptuous, how arrogant. I choose silence over a lot of things - but in that silence, in those split second pauses, do not think for once, that i am not judging you because i am. I choose silence, because sometimes that's all you deserve from me. Because i only associate myself closely with people that are in sync with me, the rest i chuck them aside as easily as garbage, as easily as dirt.

Some things, i choose to let it slide. Some things, like when you call me fat, or ugly, or stupid, dumb - i let them slide because those things don't matter to me. I know who i am. I am grounded, and whatever you say to me, i am not shaken because your rudeness do not hurt me. But some things, when you talk about my country, bout my parents, my friends - i remember them to the core. Because you are speaking without depth, and worse, you are hurling insults at them without any depth or truth and just because of this, i will remember you and what you said and think of you as a lowly person with no deserving respect no matter how smart or rich you are. Because, because, because - you have no rights to begin with to talk about another person's country or family or their friends.

So yes, i wonder how some of the people in this country can talk so lightly and insultingly to one another. I truly wonder at the culture imposed here, sometimes.

#the "you" used above is not meant for just one person. It is a generic term meant for whoever(even strangers) with this habit of insinuating. If you think i am talking about you, well, too bad, i hold no responsibility to that.

2011-07-03T00:18:00.000+08:00

I know i have not been updating much recently. So much has been going on - so little has been going on. Too much reshuffling of thoughts, of actions, of perspectives, plans, ideas, self beliefs that i felt and still feel invisible, like i am this flake in the wind that has no place, no where to go - ever. But of course, all these thoughts are momentarily. These moments will come to a pass - i might be ok again, maybe better, happier. Being alone and lonely truly do put things into clearer perspectives. When i was constantly surrounded by friends, i was afraid of losing myself. I did, in fact, lose myself - i couldn't see myself in the mirror. But now, it's clearer - a fog has been cleared. But i have a long way to go to see clearly still. Hence, more of these alone times would do me good.

Year One of uni has long ended. Soon enough, the freshies would be entering hall and much socializing would be done - yet again. I don't hate it, truly, i enjoy them immensely but the inconsistency of it all is sometimes tiring - it's like the compass has lost its bearing, always fixated at everywhere, the pointer at a loss. I spend half my time trying to figure out my life and what i want - dividing what truly matters and what are my whims/desires. Sigh. I wish i was in my primary school's field playing Iceman. Life was so simple then, my aim was to remain uncaught for the longest time. (:

2011-07-01T23:32:00.000+08:00

There are places that the mind goes to when it is hurt. I read from a book, recently - that the mind has 3 ways to escape the pain that has been caused, that sleep, forgetting and madness are the way the mind takes refuge when it can no longer handles the pain that the body can.

Because.

The past haunts. And the present is a lonely place. The future is unseen.

What happened to those frolicking days, i wonder. If adulthood meant the loss of innocence, through and through, then how would the remaining decades be lived? Sometimes i wonder how to face the world with the chin up high - not bent low, battered and frayed by the battles of everyday life. Sometimes, i wonder. Most days, i wonder too much.

2011-06-27T02:18:00.000+08:00

I turn to a lot of things when i am sad.

Sometimes, i immersed myself in ridiculous amount of hours in front of the laptop/tv watching series that have such unparalleled realities that i feel worse soon after i click them off. If i get lucky, i find myself a really (and i mean, really) good book and is able to shut that part of my mind off for a good one day off - nonexistent for that moment; being transformed into mere words of the author's; i am free. Others, i get hooked with you; a struggling infernal that i have yet to control - because somehow, i always lose my control when it comes to you - this is why i hate myself more each time. But then.

Nobody said the transition to adulthood would be this hard, this confusing, this lost.

At 2 am, what can i really achieve with this senseless rambling - other than the fact that i really love my brother's keypad. Sigh. What am i trying to do here? Or there? Is there any more sense?

2011-06-17T14:16:00.000+08:00

I wonder if i will ever be capable of handling hurt the graceful way. You stole all my dreams the other day. I want them back, but how do i ask you for their return?

Sometimes i wish i could tell the world to just leave me alone. When i really think about it, i am alone, aren't i? In the sense that, the world is not attaching itself onto me - i am burdened and weighed down by matters of the world all thanks to nobody but me. Dramas of friends, ex-lovers, best-friends - i brought all of them upon myself. So. What's left in the chapter?

Hues

2011-06-13T05:11:00.002+08:00

Stop it.
You should leave now.

Free Fall

2011-06-03T23:01:00.000+08:00

So, i didn't know adulthood is as tangible a thing to be able to touch, feel, sense it creeping at the back of my neck that i no longer feel this attachment to the word kid, or teenager or anything that dark-blued pinafore girls do. I know i have been mentioning a lot about adulthood lately, but, i have only just realized what it means to truly be responsible for yourself - actions, words, behavior - everything.

Secrets have been let out recently, others and mine included. So now, you know. I am glad you are flattered, and not repulsed - but even if you are, this was my little secret so how you feel towards it wouldn't and shouldn't bother me. I am surprised i did what i did. The younger me wouldn't have thought about it, would have just packed my bags and left - metaphorically speaking, but the present me values this easygoing -ship between us too much to let it go. This tiny form of liberation feels, nice, light, and for once, i don't have to fear being broken or hurt or hurled. Somehow, those words just don't fit into the situation. Plus, i am my own person - after months of senseless infernal and trying to fit in - i am now in a clear state of mind, knowing who i am and what i want regardless of what others say. So what does it matter anyway? I am happy.

2011-05-30T00:23:00.000+08:00

Therapeutic session with the best buddy today. <3

With all the ongoing dramas that have been happening of late, i am starting to wonder if adulthood is just a replay of teenagehood (oh how annoying) and if we have really grown or just tricked ourselves into thinking past experiences have indeed better us and made us a wiser, more mature person? Frightening isn't it, to think that adults are no more different than children in a playground - the only difference being the roles played in society that's all, and of course, the biological age. but what does it matter?

I am tired of being alone and having to find means to compensate for that fear of loneliness by eating and shopping. It's detrimental to my weight/health and my bank account. I have come to the point of missing my family so much that to not talk to them is an easier way out rather than the other way round. How can i smile into the webcam or look at my mum and dad's faces without having the urge to just buy a plane ticket, go back and bury myself in their arms? Growing up has always been about broken bones to me. It is painful and slow, inevitable, and could possibly regrow the wrong ways in all counts. But i am used to that pain now. It is no longer as jarring as it was a year ago. But perhaps,

.

I have yet to find out.

I have many questions to ask you. But, i know how the truth hurts most of the time, so avoidance is better than this suicidal mission of mine. June is fast approaching. I remember this time, last year, i was deciding between which university to go to. And does it even matter that i got into all the Australia and 3 of the UK universities that i so badly wanted to go if given the financial capabilities? I ended up here, in tiny Singapore which i didn't give a fuck up until June 2010. So much of its cultural aspects that i still and probably will absolutely loathe but i have come to love some of the people here and adore the rest that i am getting closer with. So much has changed over this past one year that i don't know how and where to begin.

I am no longer so secretive a person, no longer as judgmental and bitchy/gossipy because i guess age has mellowed me and what used to thrill me just bores me now. Conformity used to scare the hell out of me, but now, i am able to be my own person, go to cafes alone - eat alone, read alone, ____ alone - and be truly contented with this freedom and choice i have, truly, adulthood has its perks although sandcastles and barbie dolls are no longer in the picture doesn't mean youth is forever banished from our presence.

I know it all sounds jumbled up and messy but so many thoughts are running through me now that coherence is a sideline. I suppose i should be happy that you could actually think of me as a confidante, i am flattered truly but so many questions, so many unspoken, unanswered ones. There're no stars to be seen from Singapore because the freaking city lights just won't go off. The perks, not, of being in the city.

Tonight shall be love.

2011-05-30T00:03:00.000+08:00

You're worth more than a line in my life, in this little blog of mine, but what can i say, when you have chosen since the beginning?

(:

Truths and Lies

2011-05-29T00:04:00.003+08:00

I do not appreciate desperate gossip-mongers and liars. The keyword here being desperate, if you haven't notice. Everyone gossips, i understand that. People like a little bit of drama in reality. It keeps life entertaining and less serious, so there's no harm in sharing bits and pieces of gossips every now and then.

But I noticed that some people in hall gossip with a vicious intent of wanting to know every possible chunk of infor available and derive pleasure from them by spreading news around. These, my friends are grade A bitches. Call me blunt or rude or whatever other names that please you, but one would think that reaching the age of 20 would have erased all sorts of high school activities that we used to do in the name of immaturity and teenagehood. But apparently adulthood is just a replay of what highschool was like, now with more layers of malice, twists and untrodden paths. I hate it when people ask why did she cry, why did he get drunk instead of is she/he ok? I mean dude. Does the why matter that much when you don't even care about the welfare of the person? If this is the sort of lifestyle you adopt, i think you are indeed better off dead. And i don't say this lightly. Because if your life revolves around regaling tales of others, gossiping and spreading stuffs that aren't yours to tell, you, essentially is not a nice (that's an understatement) person even though you might act like one.

Stay away.

2011-05-27T19:37:00.000+08:00

1.You disappoint me, but the worse thing is, i don't even know you. You think it funny isn't it?
2.For those people who are visiting my blog for that ONE particular blog post, kudos to you. You have managed to be a nosy, busybody and depreciated crap that seem to find joy in the most fickle of things in life.
3. Decided to try something new.
4. Needs some time alone soon, or will eventually burn to nothingness. (melodramatic, much?)
5. White.
6. A.
7. 24th May.
8. Strangers are not appreciated here.
9. That magic spark is needed, me thinks.
10. Tonight or not.

2011-05-22T02:01:00.000+08:00

The thing about me is i have awesome parents.

So i grew up with expectations.
And sometimes, well, usually, those expectations are unmet.
Other than the fact that i have a screwed up mind, with multitude of imaginations
you can't even begin to comprehend,
that does not help with life-dealings.
So
.
and no, i am not talking about awesome love stories with knights in shining armor.
i am not that naive or chidlike.
I might be 20, and while guys of the same cohort could be 2-4 years older,
does not mean my maturity level is not equal or above theirs.
Never mistake my outward demeanor.
I just don't show it to the world because really
are you worth my time?

Think again.

2011-05-21T16:31:00.000+08:00

So we all watch series/dramas for different reasons. Mainly, it is to fill up our hours during leisure time, others, it is an interest. For me, i watch for its plot, or if it lacks plot - i watch it for its music or quotes. Which is what happens with One Tree Hill, Grey's and now Vampire Diaries.

Their plots are nothing much. Sometimes predictable, often more than not - involves life lessons that reminds me of how shit life can get (or how beautiful) but the soundtracks from these 3, they always manage to pull me back, making me want more of their songs, those alternative music that are sidelines to the mainstream music that Asians seem to love so much. -

So, on a Saturday afternoon. After recovering from a fever and still experiencing a massive sorethroat, i suddenly feel like a non entity. Does it even matter then? I wonder what i can take from life, or what life can give me at this moment.

2011-05-20T19:36:00.000+08:00

Because Bali is love. When it is so similar to home, when everything of nature feels so similar, even the sun, the beach, the sky, how can i not love it?

2011-05-19T21:13:00.000+08:00

So, i am back from Bali.

And i miss it already. I miss the unclean roads, the uneven pavements and potholes, the surfers' beaches, waves that roll continuously and sea water that causes sore throat when you dive underwater, fluffy white clouds that float amidst the darkened skin-colored people. Some people might think it underdeveloped (probably true) but i think it is a thousand times better than this developed country of yours. Because in Bali, you are liberated from the boundaries of technology, the fake warmth and fake intentions that emanate from city people and you immerse yourself in nature - the beach, the sand, everything.

-- Skype session with the bestie and the mum. More updates later.

2011-05-06T23:01:00.001+08:00

I don't want to know about you or him or her, i want to discover myself in this unknown terrain - discover it all and be lightly joyous at the end of it all. (:

So, a number of people commented that my blog is pretty emo all the time - one fact that i am painfully aware of. But one that i have not bother changing. Because, i write when i am emotional - when there are emotional heartfelt that are tugging at the strings of my purse of secrets and histories; it's part of how humans are, no? We talk about our sadder, more painful experiences. I know it's quite draining to read about emo stuffs, but, but, ok fine, let's say i will try to talk about happier stuff then.

Like how this afternoon, the E blockers and i went to Settlers and spent the whole afternoon day playing board games which turned out pretty hilarious. At the end of it all, most of us lost our voice, partially due to the one-one-one, two-two-two, three-three-three game. I have no idea what the name of the game was, but, heck, it was funny. Most of them aren't in hall anymore, since tomorrow is Singapore's big day (election) and they want to be at home. I for one, will be heading out tonight. Because i am fed up with a certain someone saying how no one understands him like i do or that nothing could top what we had - those words are insincere dusts of yesterdays because you just keep telling me those things, you didn't show them to me. But of course, that's not why i am heading out.

Life's too short to be lived too cautiously or in a narrow-minded sense. Today's world just aren't like yesterday's anymore. So why not, let yourself go, live life to the fullest and just let where the wind take you? That's my philosophy. I like to tell people to go have sex, because if 2012 is really the end of the world, i bet you wouldn't want to die not knowing how sex feels like. Of course, doesn't mean i would really go live that ideal out. But you get the picture, do things that you won't regret. Because youth comes only once. Hence, i have to cut this short and go enjoy my night out with my fellow neighbor.

And thanks Phuc, for spreading my one particular blogpost around. I am having ambiguous reaction about it, but what's done is done. So, no harm done. (:

2011-05-06T04:26:00.002+08:00

If you want to know me, take a look at my past. ♥

2011-05-03T19:35:00.000+08:00

3pm tomorrow.
Then, solitude.

2011-05-03T10:58:00.001+08:00

Seriously, what went wrong with us?

How did i come about loving you to disliking the fact that i was with you? I know for a fact that i cannot unlove something - my music background, my reading, my yearning for solitude and companionship at the same time - all these make up who i am, but could i have possibly unloved you? It was a polarized affair. This time, last year, i was vacillating between holding your hand and disregarding it. Between a future with a dozen more pictures of us and one that i would tread alone. I told myself, alright, this is it, i am am going to do this alone.

I thought it would be unfair for us to be far apart, both in new places and attached - not being able to meet new people and discover what life could offer; i thought it would be unfair to me that i will be tied down to you, not being able to discover myself fully with the divided time and commitment that i know i would willingly give just because of the word love - so yes, i thought and i decided. And almost a year later, i am here - much changed and still the same all over. Songs have changed. Movies have changed. The weather though, has been pretty much constant in Singapore but my feelings for you have morphed into something unknown, something intangible because i don't know you anymore. Who you are as a person, your current favorite food and your takes on life - do i even want to know at this point? I doubt. Because i have moved from that phase, from loving and pining for you to one that is amorphous, strange, alien-like.

Perhaps this is why i wonder why people continue to actively search for love. Is it really necessary? Doesn't it come, when it comes? What do we really know about love anyway, we are so young, so full of undiscovered potentials and experiences - why should we put a stop to that and bind ourselves to half-found love, half-satisfied emotions, halves of everything and anything just to erase the loneliness that exist in each and every ounce of our heart. Is this really necessary? I really think you should learn to love yourself, and more importantly, learn to be more alone before committing yourself to another person because it really is not easy (what an understatement). Giving your love to that other girl or guy is not just a one time-gift, you are giving a tiny bit of your lifetime too. Love is a garden - it needs the right nurturing and the right gardener in it to make it work. So why jump with your heart? Why the extreme irrationality (because i do agree love is irrational to some degree)? Why waste time on someone who doesn't want to waste hers/his on yours? These are all simple questions. I could list more of them out for you to question yourself and you really start to wonder. But.

Somethings, you have to learn for yourself. I can't tell you most of what i have learnt because some of them are still painful up to this point but what i can say is, don't love too hard, too fast - you are still too young for that. There's more to life than just that.
♥♥

DT

2011-05-02T03:47:00.000+08:00

I have decided - after mulling for about 10 minutes - that i will dedicate this post to you even though you might never read it, because we are not in the same social circle after all. But.

I think you rekindled some inner naivety in me, some form of hope that tells me perhaps not all is lost in this world that increasingly becomes more jarring and cruel as we grow, that this world still contains goodness in its pure form and that makes me happy, light, because i strive for that in life - finding and doing good. So when you, of all people, one who is not obligated to take care of me because in all technical sense, we are considered strangers, left your boys and followed me to puke repeatedly and unceremoniously slipped into unconsciousness soon after, you, a complete stranger ended your night out early for one that was completely gone, i was eternally grateful.

I don't meet nice people everyday. Well, the term nice is a bit loose here, but, your kind of nice, i have, in all honesty, never met before because people usually have ulterior motives and what nots. So, when you guided me to the river and stayed beside me while i purged - holding up my hair, rubbing my back, allowing me to lie down while the pavement looks all fuzzy, unclear, probably dirty - i felt safe and relieved. It is unfair to have depended on you like that, i am sorry that my alcohol-induced body and brain didn't allow for self-preservation. But for once, in a very long time, i felt a sense of alleviation because right there, at that moment, i am not responsible for myself. I don't have to. I just need to lie there, and wait for the nausea to pass. In all its screwed up simplicity, i was free for that short moment - unworried bout the world about the loneliness that plagues me about the fact that my parents will not live forever and i am getting lesser and lesser time to spend with them each day - all these thoughts are a jumble in my brain, thoughts that i live with that make me stronger, more independent, more eager to look for that light joy i so badly need and want in life.

And so, it was in this moment that i found this specific light joy. That a perfect stranger could be so giving and tolerant that i could probably weave poetry about - but i wouldn't because that's plain silly, haha- and tolerant of my drunken stupor that well, what really? It's simple. I rediscover the specks of humanity in this one stranger. So, thank you really. For everything. For taking care of me when you are not obliged to, for bringing me back to my room - my half-safety and helping me take off my sandals which i distinctly remembered for some odd reason and for telling me one part of your life story that shape who you are today, for letting me know that while we might have grown older and more cynical, sometimes, we are proven wrong amidst our battles against life, that it is possible to still have surprises in the most unexpected moments in life.

2011-05-02T03:28:00.000+08:00

I am a simple girl, from a simple (maybe not) home, a simple country plagued with racism - but that's another story altogether. I think life was pretty simple till a few things bumped things up and i realized that perhaps, life is not just pages from books, songs from radios, food from tables and money from the ATMs - that life has the possibility of breaking and damaging, of creating and loving - all dualities molded into one huge epic world.

What point am i trying to get here at 3.17am?

No point, i suppose. Every point. I am trying out new things these days, discovering new likes and passions and dislikes, pet peeves. Is this how it's like to grow up? Everything was pretty constant in my life - i knew what i wanted, didn't want and so forth but nowadays, everything is fuzzy and amorphous, the possibility of chance and change is ever present - i embraced it as a part of how my life is supposed to be. But of course, the constant part of me remains a secret, a desire to lock everybody out - never come in. I sometimes wonder how many people truly know me, or pretend to know the side of me that i showcase to the world, how many of you here, in this new place, new home truly know how i am like deep down? Do you even bother? Or your perceived idea of me is just one made up at the back of your mind - does this even matter?

So change.

2011-04-29T00:23:00.000+08:00

Because you were there, clad in white - tall and magnificent, a dreamlike state of idealized love and realistic expectations. I didn't know you feel the same. Didn't know you harbor those emotions i felt from the start; didn't you know, i depend highly (and sometimes solely) on my instincts and gut feelings, that i have this bad habit of sizing people up within the first few meets and i couldn't care less about what you think of me, because really, everyone has their own stories to tell : mine, i am not willing to divulge easily because they are my treasures, my essences in this life all concocted into a sealed up bottle. You have to try harder.

But as you stepped closer, and as i leaned on your broad shoulder, i realized perhaps - this is it. That you are the butter to my bread, that i am now willing to live the cliches of love all over again, that for you, just for you, i am willing to sacrifice and let love put a cage on me because you, are worth it all. So, when my body betrayed what i felt, reacted to what my mind couldn't yet figure, i realized that perhaps this emotion will not be recurring for a very long time thereafter - so when you turned your head, and i instinctively turned mine too - that as our lips met for the first time, i was shocked to my core because never had a kiss been this important, this chaste, this substantial. I remembered the breathlessness (is that what they mean when they say you took my breath away?) that was in me, the helplessness and need to continue the kiss because without it, i was a nobody, an insignificant human in this great schema of things that have been tinkled and laid out in neat galaxies and sparkling, cute stars.

Because of you, i truly lived. And because of that kiss, i found in you the man i have always believed i could find and love and care for.

I woke up at the end. A slow sluggish wake that resulted in me sitting on my bed, staring at my desk, wondering why did my lips desired what was essentially not there to begin with, that my heart ached for something so real yet so unreachable at that moment - did it happen? But of course it didn't. Nothing could be as beautiful as dreams. Dreams are our perceptions of an alternate reality, of something we desire, we crave, we lack, we want. Dreams are the embodiment of it all. I have no idea why i dreamed of this particular kiss. I have never dreamed of one before. And never have a dream felt so good (and no, i don't mean in the erotic sense) for such a long time that i woke, rejuvenated albeit just having 3 hours of sleep.

Because these kind of dreams serve as a reminder, a palpable one that keeps me believing that the form of love (and the technicalities that come with it) i desire, still exist, like how they still exist between _______.

2011-04-26T10:27:00.001+08:00

Yesterday night was one that was filled with surprises. Not that many, but still.

It felt surreal. Like I wasn't in hall, wasn't in university amidst the damaging exam season. Because in the court, it was another private world entirely. I am not master of the sport, but at least it was an escape from reality. From what's been trying to haunt me lately, from my inability to escape from those past in which my younger self couldn't dealt with. So thank you, if you are reading this - for always obliging me. For always saying yes if i ask. Because, without that yes, i would not have my release, i would not have an excuse to not talk to them.

And then, i can't stop listening to Edward Reid's performance on YouTube. I know, it's just a rendition of nursery rhymes but, it's damn nice la i feel.

You. Showed me another side of yourself yesterday night. I think you saw my other side too. But i knew there was always more to you than what meets the eye although people usually don't see past the surface. How can i not, when i of all people have so many hidden secrets and facts that i do not willingly divulge? Human beings in general, should be more aware of how complex each individual is because thats what they usually think of themselves - complicated with many painful and orgasmic experiences put together. How can they then expect different of others? So yes, thank you for showing me your other side, friend.

P.S : The secret smile (well, not so secret) that i always wear when i am around you? One day, i might just tell you about it.

P.P.S : KarMun and Madeline, don't get stress over exams! Well, i know you won't KM, but Madel confirm plus chop stressing like crazy now. And VeWen, please update me or something through mail/fb msg!!! ):

This light joy is great.

Mama

2011-04-26T01:27:00.001+08:00

I wanted to hold onto you, but I realized i held onto thin air instead.

You were the one that said you loved me less, that i did not deserve what i deserved. You were the one that, instead of holding my hand when i needed the most left me without support and love - just a vacumn where your warmth should have been. You.

But i am old enough to get past that, sometimes i dream of it but i know the differentiation of my love and yours, it doesn't matter if it's unequal. Because love knows not such calculations. So you remain, at the top of my heart while i remain, always second best, always inadequate in your eyes.

2011-04-26T01:00:00.003+08:00

Things i will do after my exams.

1. Lug my cello from Penang to hall.
2. Go to Botanical Gardens and just spend a quite afternoon there, watching (hopefully) black swans.
3. Read, read, read.
4. Explore Singapore.
5. Sleep.
6. Self-pamper.
7. Work.
8. Find love - no, it doesn't have to be a boy, although that would be nice.
9. Exercise.
10. Grow.
11. Live.

2011-04-24T12:26:00.000+08:00

It's 12, and i just woke up but the day began well - sort of for me.

Best friends warm me up. They leave this feeling similar to the one you feel when you first taste toasted bread with butter and kaya early in the morning before going for a hike or run. It's crisp, warm, buttery and you feel it all explode in your mouth - and you just can't stop wanting more. That's how best friends make me feel. Happy, contented, light.
I have missed all of them.

The saying of how diamonds are forever? It's bull. It's created for girls who didn't surround themselves with a strong support network. Best friends are forever, and i say it with conviction and belief. Because 20 years down the road, you would still see us - more matured, more wrinkled (sadly), more sure of ourselves and hopefully with family, but you would, still see us - close, warm, familiar. That's how we work.

I can't list them down one by one, it would be too much work trying to describe each of them here - and i would do them no justice because their personalities are bigger than a paragraph or a blog post anyway. But point is, i have missed talking to them. Missed lying by the pool with the sound of waves crashing onto the beach at 2 in the morning, talking about nothing and everything at the same time while feeling cold - but couldn't be bothered to move because that moment was important, scarce and slow-paced in today's fast world. Missed going to your house and wanting to play with your dog but afraid of being scratched, miss asking for your opinions on what i should wear because honestly i hate how physicality are markers of a person's value - they should showcase brains instead but oh well, that would be in an alternative reality - and i miss our private moments of inside jokes, inside dreams - inside everything.

Imagine if all of us would study in NUS and stay in the same hall, same block, same floor. I think our studies would be screwed since we will spend too much time together doing nonsense. (: Such is life. What a silly dream right?

Well, i miss you all.

You know who you are. (:
We might stop being there for each other all the time now due to time constraints, and the differences in the way we live our lives (i know it's a suckass reason) but that's not the main point right? We will still be there for each other if any of us needed anything, so that's all that matters. And what matters is, I love you guys and this love is here to stay.

<3

Life companionship.

2011-04-20T12:05:00.000+08:00

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Because, do you know how hard i try to make a life here?

I tell myself it's okay that i lost you as a bestfriend, that it's fine that i no longer talk to my parents everyday or even once in 3 days, that i am okay with living alone - i am a big girl after all (didn't i pride myself in that fact?). But i am not a big girl, though i may not be small in stature, i am 20 and 20 is still prematurely young in this adult side of the world. - terminate.

You can't imagine the amount of frustration i am feeling right now. Well, maybe you can. But you don't know.

2011-04-12T17:17:00.000+08:00

TO THE PEOPLE WHO TIME AND AGAIN, CONSISTENTLY PATRONIZE OTHER PEOPLE, LOOK DOWN AT OTHER PEOPLE, GIVE CRITICISM WITHOUT ANY SUBSTANCE OR THOUGHT, CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU GUYS ARE OFFICIALLY IN MY LIST OF PEOPLE NOT WORTH RESPECTING.

Because honestly, you aren't that great yourself. If you think you are, you are living in an alternate world.

Ooops.

Stop thinking so highly of yourself and so lowly of others, really, you aren't that much of an achiever anyway.

2011-04-09T15:17:00.001+08:00

I remember once the feeling.

The feeling of first realizing that i have developed affections for this boy. That, seeing him is one of the highlights of my day. That, being able to talk to him, to spend my time with him leaves a trail of simple bliss in this harsh world that turns mechanically, automatically. I remember once, that my feelings for that person is more important than his feelings for mine - that it did not matter if he liked me in the way that i liked him, or that if he ever felt the explosion going on in my heart each time i see him smile or talk or walk - they don't matter at all. What mattered was this simple feeling of fully submerging myself in this feeling of unselfishness because for once, this is not about me or my life stories. It's about him - having the ability to make him happy, feeling the chemistry workings that makes the heart soar.

I remember once the feeling.

The feeling of first realizing that loving someone meant giving and taking in the literal and figurative sense. Where sweat, pain, aches, unfulfilled desires are in the same equation of happiness, laughter, presents, merges, and dreams. That you can't separate these things and still hope to love fully or passionately, i start to learn that best and worst things usually come in total oxymorons and paradoxes (pardon the dictions) that life in this world works in opposing forces that sometimes push and pull two people together. I remember once, that the person looking into a relationship would always see the idealistic side of love because we humans are darn good at embellishments and bedazzlements. But the two people who are experiencing love and "love" would hurt and ache in a pathway that has no light or direction - you only know the next step you are taking never the next next.

I remember once the feeling.

Come june/july would mark the breakup i made before coming to Singapore. It's funny (not in the literal sense) how the human mind works. How the heart works. How time numbs all pain and memories and how the mind twists and adjust perspectives in order to protect itself. My 20 years of living have only been filled with 2 serious relationships - which highlights my capability of fully loving someone - the rests are dindy dandies of faceless figures that marks the insignificance and light impact they had in my life. I don't regret them. Although the package of unfulfilled dreams and lost aspirations will always be felt - i believe things happen for a reason and we humans are always metamorphosing - there's just no end of our cycle of caterpillars transforming into butterflies transforming transforming transforming.

I am happy.
And for the first time, in a long time, i am able to say i am perhaps ready, for a new relationship.
That my mind and heart has enough bubble wraps around them to dive into something fresh and exciting and new and hopefully, pure.

So, yeah, come what may.
I am hopeful.
But not expectant.
I am happy.

Can't let you go.

2011-04-06T10:46:00.000+08:00

This was taken in 2009.

this i love. But i did not eat it this morning. In fact, i have not been eating much lately.

Most of the times, i forget that you are a boy and that although we are in the 21st century now, people still sub/unconsciously view boy-girl relationship as something that will eventually lead to a romantic relationship. Which is odd. Seeing how "advanced" and "liberal" we term ourselves. We, meaning the people of the world, not just Singapore or Malaysia specifically. So yea, most of the times, i forgot that we are of opposite genders (which, in sociology we learn are socially constructed so technically, it is a reality created by man for man to place us in different categories based on physicality) and that perhaps wrong impressions are given out to the more ignorant ones.

But i am happy. That i have met you and have found a friend in you (TOY STORY! ok random). I think without you, i would have not been able to go through a lot of things. Seeing how klutzy i am at times and how emotionally strangled i get at times - lol well, most. You made this lonely place a little less lonely. A little more bearable. My lonely heartache for - slightly better. I wonder how i will survive next sem, without you in hall anymore. Who's going to be my jogging partner, eating partner, htht partner? But i am not worried or sad - well not yet anyways - i guess (and hope) we will still be close just not in proximity anymore. But that's okay, Singapore is not big! But somehow i wonder why do ALL (yes, all) my close friends tend to be so far away from me physically? They're all over the place! Can't say i like it. But, at least i have a strong support system, yes?

For this, i am grateful. And for this, i love you guys. And you.

2011-04-02T00:22:00.000+08:00

I think i have accepted that my place is no longer in Penang but here, in tiny Singapore but one that i have come to love a little, resent a little. I think the resentment will always be there because it feels different from home, it smells different, it tastes different. But i have come to like the people here and it no longer feels scary and lonely and foreign.

It's April. 3 more months and it marks the first year of me being in a country without mum and dad and bro, without my car and two bolsters and pitch dark bedroom, without my books that i could pick off-handedly from my shelves, without drives to friends' houses, without sneaking out of the house when my parents sleep, without so many things - i really do feel deprived sometimes but now i have full control over my life; control over my finance (annoying little thing), my room (technically not mine) my life my time my identity. I learnt to give a lot more and take in return, learnt the joy of being able to walk over to my friends' room when i feel sad and know they will be there for you, of not having curfews, of being able to screw up and not be afraid life will turn on me, of being lonely and alone but persevering, of growing up growing up growing up (oh how i hate these words) but point is, i have lost so much and gained so much over this short span of time.

How i feel the changes in my bones and the innate nature of mine that still has not. It's all really conflicting but i am slowly learning how to let go of things, be happier and stronger and really, anything else everything else is in my control - i should be happier. I can be.

Hence. Therefore. :D

2011-04-01T04:59:00.000+08:00

I think you just abandoned me.

It's April.
and look at how much things have changed.

2011-03-28T16:02:00.002+08:00

When you look at me, what do you see?

2011-03-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

I love this picture.

Days have been lighter. I feel lighter - happier.
Sometimes i still feel amorphous - i think i am at the age where i am struggling to find myself, what i really like, who i am, what i am capable of, who i want to be - all these philosophical-like questions; but not really because i am sure all of us seek the answers to these questions. All of us doubt and wonder about our identities. I am no longer in an infernal. But i have not found all the answers - perhaps one day i will, but for now i shall just live one day at a time - smile, laugh discover my aspirations one bit at a time.

Dinner was great.
Botak Jones. Koi. Two piercings.

2011-03-20T13:43:00.002+08:00

STOP.

stop.

Life.

2011-03-18T02:34:00.001+08:00

We were talking just now. The girls. And i guess it occurred to us that while we live with each other - literally - there are so many things we don't know about each other.

Hidden talents, quirks, secret fetishes, dreams, hopes, hurts, stories; all of them are still rolled up in this maze of unsaid words. What a pity, no? We all have a life or parts of it that we don't want others to know about. I guess we just take it for granted sometimes - these information about other people.

What you probably don't know about me :

1. Writes - in secret.

2. Plays the cello because of Jay Chou.

3. Has a piercing somewhere other than my ears.

4. Hates pork.

5. NUS was my last choice of uni. First, was Uni of Edin - which i got in but didn't have enough money to enroll.

6. My first dream was to be a classical music musician.

7. Quit squash because didn't think it was worth my time.

8. Finished my Grade 8 in piano when i was 14, took my Diploma in piano, 16.

9. First broken dream - 13.

10. wants to be madly and deeply in love.